David Letterman recently announced that he is retiring from The Late Show in 2015. Here are the top ten pizzas who should replace him:
There has NEVER been a pepperoni pizza as a host as a network late night show, which is ABSURD. This pepperoni pizza truly has what it takes: cheese, sauce, pepperoni. It’s the PERFECT fit.
This is a SUPREME pizza, in more ways than one! It has the toppings that we typically associate with supreme pizzas, and it’s also just a really great pizza. Plus, with two kinds of meat, this supreme pizza is a little edgier than network late-night is used to. It would really shake things up!
This one’s a little obscure. Some people may have never heard of square pizza before, and some close-minded idiots still think that square pizza doesn’t REALLY count as pizza. But once those jags try an episode or two, they’ll be BEGGING for more!
DEEP DISH PIZZA
This deep dish pizza is AMAZING, and late night could use a little Midwestern charm from this Chicago-based dish. It may be too much to have four nights a week, but I’m willing to give it a shot.
This cartoon pizza is PRETTY wacky, but so is Jimmy Fallon, so it could DEFINITELY go toe-to-toe with The Tonight Show.
This one’s a little out there, but how ADORABLE would it be to see a bagel bite host a late night talk show?! Plus, late night talk shows actually film during the day, around 4pm, which is actually the perfect time for a Bagel Bite to shine.
It’s not delivery, it’s di-RATINGS! DiGiorno Pizza is pretty busy being a top-selling frozen pizza chain, so who even knows if it WANTS to take over The Late Show. But if it did, I think it’d do PRETTY well.
Okay, hear me out. What about a host DUO?! Two is better than one, right?! If CBS hired this cheeseburger pizza to be the new host of the Late Show, my mind might just EXPLODE from all the awesomeness.
Let’s be realistic: CBS would love to steal some of those younger viewers from the Tonight Show fanbase. I know this might seem like pandering, but this candy pizza is actually REALLY GOOD. If you give it a chance, I know it can deliver. LOL!
Okay, it’s not TECHNICALLY a pizza, but seriously. Warm, delicious crust, gooey cheese, sweet and tangy tomato sauce?! It’s basically been a pizza this whole time. This calzone would DEFINITELY make a great Late Show host because it would keep you on your toes. You may THINK you know what’s coming, but you never really know what’s in store until you’re eating it.
Your move, CBS!
Perhaps by now you’ve read that article being passed around your various social media circles, the one about how modern civilization has only about fifteen years left before it collapses due to lack of natural resources, unsustainable economic disparity, and famine. My reaction to that article was similar to the reaction I have to anything that uses a wealth of scientific evidence to prove that life as we know it is ultimately doomed and our way of living is even more damaging to the planet and overall society than we ever imagined: “yikes.”
It’s just that the information is so grim, and so very true, that there are only two options - severe, all-encompassing panic, or “yikes.” Neither of those reactions is productive, and when faced with grim outlooks, it’s important to focus on what to do about it. So allow me to walk you through a step-by-step guide to how to deal with the crushing realization that modern civilization is doomed:
Learn to fight. When society collapses, unless you are a strong, agile, warrior operating at the absolute height of human ability, you will die.
Become a doctor. You want tangible skills. “I had a very popular web series and a couple of tweets featured on the Huffington — ” will be the last words of everyone who didn’t take the time to become a doctor.
Have a child, move into the woods, and train it from birth to be the ultimate Survivor/Warrior. Let’s face it: you’re too used to creature comforts to become a doctor or Survivor/Warrior. So make a human who will be that for you. The plus side of having a Survivor/Warrior child is that they will feel deeply, biologically responsible for your well-being. The weaker you are, the more Survivor/Warriors you should breed. If you’re an Anne Heche from Six Days Seven Nights, you should try to birth five Jacks from Lost and six or seven Katniss Everdeens. If you’re even worse than Anne Heche from Six Days Seven Nights, maybe just euthanize yourself?
Don’t you guys kind of wish Jennifer Lawrence and Shailene Woodley never cut their hair? I think they both looked better with longer hair. Wait, sorry, what were we talking about? Oh right, the doom.
Don’t tell anyone you’ve seen the movie Six Days Seven Nights. If you do tell anyone, they will know that you’re an idiot. And you will die.
Make a web series about yourself preparing for the upcoming societal collapse. That way the fame and fortune that comes to you now will provide lots of financial comfort, which you can use to build a fortress.
Share this post. If you help me become financially comfortable enough to build a fortress, I will let you work in it.
I know I did not write recaps for Hometowns, Fantasy Juans, or Womjuan Tell Juall. Unlike Juan Pablo, I apologize for all of my failings. It’s just that sometimes when I sit down to write these things, it becomes so hard to make fun of Juan Pablo because what can I say that all of America hasn’t already shouted at him to no effect because he is a sociopath? “You’re a monster!” We scream. “Okay.” Juan Pablo shrugs. “You treat women terribly!” We seethe. “Look at me.” Juan Pablo pouts. “You are wet garbage!” We yell. And Juan Pablo merely stares back with his beady, stupid bird eyes and asks for a besito.
HE SUCKS. Is what I’m saying. And I’ve run out of creative or funny ways to say it. He’s basically a Douchebag Megazord, in that he’s such a douchebag that he can be nothing else but the sum of all the douchebags in the world. Lies about being unemployed? Kisses disgustingly? Talks about being a great dancer but is actually a horrible dancer? Only discusses how hot women are and says nothing ever of their personality? Juan Pablo not only ticks off everything on the Douchebag Checklist, he adds more stuff than I even thought possible. For example, I did not think that Juan Pablo was SUCH a chodemonster that even his OWN FAMILY would REPEATEDLY WARN his final two bonergivers (Clare and Legolas) to RUN AWAY FROM HIM.
Andi, the assistant district attorney who narrowly managed to get Juan Pablo indicted for being a dumb asshole (in the court of public opinion) has just taken a leave of absence from a murder trial she was working on in Atlanta so that she can be the next Bachelorette.
2. Doing whatever thing that led to them dying.
3. Getting stressed out about not traveling enough when they were in their 20’s because they read some list saying you’re supposed to travel a lot in your 20’s but like how much travel is enough travel to not regret not traveling enough?
4. Dying on a Saturday (if they died on a Saturday) (Saturdays are for fun!)
5. Not traveling enough in their 20’s.
1. You half-smile at the first item on the list. It’s true and sort of funny.
2. The second item on the list is SO true. You scroll up to see who wrote this article because you think they are funny and smart.
3. The third item on the list is a little less inspired, but it includes a funny .gif that you really laugh at and bookmark for later use.
4. But this .gif is like, nothing? It might as well be a picture, and it barely illustrates the point that this item is supposed to be making.
5. Number 5 is not funny, not creative, and not true. You scroll up to see who wrote this article so that you can know who to hate.
6. Number 6 is even less funny, less creative, and less true than horrible Number 5. You scroll down to see how many comments and views this page has. THOUSANDS? Jesus. You start to think you could write these.
7. This one barely fits the premise of the list, and seems like just an excuse for a Jennifer Lawrence .gif.
8. This is the worst BY FAR. “Way to scrape the bottom of the barrel, internet list author,” you think to yourself. You are now officially hate-reading.
9. This one sooooooooort of wins you back. If you weren’t so mad, you would maybe consider laughing.
10. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THIS WAS A SPONSORED POST?! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! And you throw your computer out the window.
I can hardly juanlieve we’re down to just six womjuan. This week’s episode starts with Assistant District Attorney Andi (ADAndi), Renee Russo, Bland Chelsie, Sir Sharleen, Legolas, and Clare the Whore (that’s what Juan Pablo asked me to call her, but let’s just call her Crazy Clare.) And this week’s episode ends with ADAndi, Crazy Clare, Legolas, and Renee Russo excited to bring Juan Pablo home to meet their families. Which. Wowza. I am delighted to see how horrible that will be. “Mom, this is my boyfriend, Juan Pablo!” “Ahh yes, hello! Your daughter had sex weeeth me in the ocean and I was like ‘what is wrong weeth you’?”
Now I know what you’re thinking: how did Renee Russo: House Mom, make it to Hometowns? At 32, she’s age appropriate for Juan Pablo, which makes her a garbageman in the Bachelor universe. Her sole contribution to the show so far has been asking other girls to tell their sad stories and fishtail braiding everyone’s hair. Going into this episode, the gap between Sir Sharleen/Legolas/Crazy Clare/ADAndi and Renee Russo/Bland Chelsie was the size of eight Grand Canyons. These two were simply the least objectionable of all the womjuan that Juan Pablo isn’t mouth-attacking on a regular basis. Every time Juan Pablo sees Sir Sharleen, Legolas, or Crazy Clare, it’s basically this reaction:
Except instead of his eyes popping out it’s just two more boners in addition to the boner he walks around with constantly, and the big boner where his heart should be, and the even bigger boner where his brain should be. He’s like that school of fish in Finding Nemo that moves as one being, except instead of fish it’s boners.