Is this an ok title for this blog?

Let’s just start.

Chris Harrison shows up to the house to debrief the guys, because apparently, while their muscles may be rippling and their hair may be greased, their brains are dusty attics, rendering the men unable to remember where they are and why they are there and what they must do if someone reads their name off of a card. 

Chris reminds the guys that there are only 16 of them left. He will have to continue these reminders for the next couple of episodes, until the number of bachelors is able to be counted on their own sausagey fingers. Chris Harrison then tells Chris, who for the sake of differentiating names will be henceforth referred to as Tan Voldemort, because that’s what he looks like: 

      

(Runners Up for Chris’ nickname include: Stretch Armstrong Gerard Butler, Flat Stanley, and Blandaconda) - that he will be going on the first one-on-one.

Tan Voldemort is VERY excited for his date with Emily. Ever since Emily told him that he was so outrageously good-looking (Emily, get your eyes checked) that it makes her nervous, Tan Voldemort has been very confident and feels like he has this IN THE BAG. IN THE SNAKE BAG.

Emily takes Tan Voldemort to the side of a building, and says that they are going to have dinner at the top of it. Then, two ropes are dropped down to them from the roof of the building, and Tan Voldemort laughs and says “Ohh, we’re climbing something!” SOMETHING? NO, TAN VOLDEMORT, YOU’RE CLIMBING THE BUILDING IN FRONT OF YOU WITH ROPES HANGING OFF OF IT. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE CLIMBING, TAN VOLDEMORT.

So Emily and Tan Voldemort put on harnesses, and Tan Voldemort says that Emily looks amazing in a harness. Does she, Tan Voldemort? Does she?

    

Also, what SUPER AWESOME restaurant is at the roof of the Mint Fire Command Center? Also, Mint Fire must be so confusing. So refreshing, and yet still fire.

At the luxurious Mint Fire Command Center Bistro, Tan Voldemort lets slip that he is only 25 years old, which sends Emily into a TAIL SPIN. She thought Tan Voldemort was older, and doesn’t know how she feels dating someone a year younger than she is. Tan Voldemort reassures her by saying that he is a MAN and he is INDEPENDENT, because he left home when he was 17 to go to college. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so did I, Tan Voldemort. So did most people. That’s typically the age when you go to college. Sure, it’s usually 18, but you don’t get to claim you’re some BIG MAN ON CAMPUS just because what - your birthday is in October and the preschool you went to had a weird cutoff date so you’ve always been a little young for your grade? Cool.

Emily gives Tan Voldemort the rose, and then they mosey on over to a concert in the middle of an intersection.        

    

Guys, come on. You had to block TWO streets?!?!

As they dance like everyone’s watching (super awkwardly), Tan Voldemort starts to get sweaty palms because THE ENTIRE DATE he has been telling us, the audience, that he wants to kiss Emily but can’t find the right moment. He didn’t think a celebratory kiss immediately after scaling a building or a romantic kiss at a candlelit dinner on a rooftop would be appropriate, so finally - in the middle of an intersection with crowds of people watching from the sidewalk - he asks Emily if he can kiss her when the song is over. 

TO RECAP, Tan Voldemort’s date progression has been this: “I may only be 25, but I am a MAN. I’m not some punk kid, I’m a STRONG, INDEPENDENT MAN. Now please oh please can I kiss you when this concert you arranged for us to attend is over? I don’t want to kiss you now because I’m worried the band might think I don’t like their song and then make fun of me later.”

Also, I just want to point out that the lyrics of whatever song whatever band was playing in whatever intersection in the heart of Charlotte, North Carolina, were: 

“Girl you make my speakers go boom-boom…. that kind of thing makes a man go hmm-hmm.”

NEXT UP GROUP DATE.

A bunch of the guys show up to a park to meet Emily. They haphazardly throw a football around for 30 seconds, Ryan the Ape makes a weird comment about Emily needing to punch people in the face and he hopes she punched Tan Voldemort in the face last night, and then Emily runs away into the trees. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED.

The guys are all just standing around, and everyone is so absurdly muscular and blandly handsome (blandsome), that they could honestly pass for The Avengers if they invested in some costumes and stood on Hollywood Boulevard outside Graumann’s Chinese Theater. They could probably make $10, $20/day posing for pictures. They just wouldn’t have a Nick Fury, because ABC is allergic to black people. RIP Lerone.

Anyway, we find out that when Emily ran away through the trees, she was actually retreating to her four best friends, which is confusing, because that means there are five of them, and how does that work? There can’t be TWO Mirandas.

     

Does anyone else find it interesting that young, beautiful Emily is only friends with a bunch of Old Uglies? No offense, other ladies, I’m sure you’re great, but… in comparison to Emily, you’re a bunch of Old Uglies. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS MEAN, but it’s not just me!! When Emily brings the guys over to meet her friends, one of them LITERALLY says “What, are we getting manicures?”

EMILY’S FRIENDS LOOK LIKE HUMBLE OUTDOOR MANICURISTS FOR HIRE.

But they aren’t getting manicures, they are getting grilled, one at a time, by Emily’s employees. It doesn’t take long for us to figure out which of Emily’s friends is the sexually repressed soccer mom who probably frequents a swingers club in a strip mall somewhere in the suburbs:

   

Hey Wendy.

Wendy asks Humble Sean to take off his shirt, flex, and do push-ups, and then SITS ON HIM WHILE HE’S DOING PUSH-UPS and says “This is a dream come true!” My LORD, Wendy. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. THIS MAN COULD BE YOUR FRIEND’S NEXT ALMOSTHUSBAND!

      

Wendy also tries to start shit by goading the guys into bashing Travis, the guy with the ostrich egg. Then Travis walks over with his egg, who he has named Shelly (I think in the downtime between his dates with Emily he has gotten frisky with the egg?), and Wendy pretends to drop it. WENDY YOU BITCH. Wendy then asks Travis if he fertilized the egg himself, (WENDY!!!!!! KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!!!!!), to which Travis responds:

     

I have a feeling that’s the exact face Wendy’s husband makes at Wendy every night when she tries to get him to do butt stuff. WENDY YOU PERV.

Throughout this whole ordeal of having to take off shirts and do push-ups and provide other material for Wendy’s disgusting, nightmarish Spank Bank, only two of the guys actually dance. Stevie the Party MC, of course, pop and locks, and Tony the Beaver, confusingly, “backs it up.”

      

It looks like you’re taking a giant beaver dump, Tony the Beaver. Get it together. You’re the Beaver Ambassador to Humans!! Have some dignity!!

My FAVORITE part of the entire interrogation by Emily’s man-hungry manicurists is when Doug walks up and Wendy coos “Oh, you’re THE DAD!” It is hilarious because not only has Doug cemented himself as Resident Dad, who constantly doles out unasked-for lectures and advice, but also because Tony the Beaver’s plan to use his son to get in good with Emily has clearly failed. In a game with two dads, Doug is THE DAD.

Next, Emily gathers all the guys, and makes a vaguely threatening remark about how they say they would all be good dads. She then blows a whistle, and like the icy waters of death that crashed into the Titanic in that scene when the glass dome over the dining room breaks, screaming children bum rush the guys and force them to play.

Emily and her friends watch from a distance (Wendy isn’t allowed within 100 yards of a playground) as the guys play with a bunch of random children because that’s a Totally Normal Thing to Do. Emily is really impressed with how well Jef is getting along with the kids, which, no duh he’s getting along with kids, he is 11 years old and Doug’s son. It’s so obvious that Jef is a child that they even show him just going down a slide by himself.

     

I mean, no adult would go HEAD FIRST down an ENCLOSED SLIDE. Jeez, Doug, keep an eye on your son!

Ryan the Ape eventually has enough of playing with the little kids and just abandons them to come over to Emily and her gang of Nail Technicians. He then proceeds to do probably as much damage as one could possibly do to their reputation without breaking any laws. 

Wendy makes a comment about how Ryan the Ape is very pretty, but in a manly way. (OH MY GOD WENDY YOU ARE HONESTLY A SEX ADDICT) Emily makes a joke about how after she’s married, her looks will go to shit. Good joke, Emily! She then teasingly asks Ryan the Ape if he’d be okay with that, a ridiculous not real question that clearly the jokey answer to is “yes!”, but Ryan the Ape responds - very seriously - “No.”

     

Emily then says that if they were married and he got fat, she would continue to love him, at which point Ryan the Ape tenderly takes her hand and explains to her, in a voice usually reserved for telling Jef that he’s already HAD dessert and cannot have any more dessert because it’s bedtime, that he would never be lazy and let himself get fat because that wouldn’t be okay, and it wouldn’t be okay for Emily to be lazy either, because then she wouldn’t be her best self. BUT, if she did get fat, for reasons other than laziness, Ryan the Ape says: “I would still love you, I just wouldn’t love ON you that much.” To which Wendy replies, “But there’d be so much more of her to love on!” CHRIST ALMIGHTY WENDY, JUST GO HOME!!!!

Ryan leaves, and Emily asks her friends to say which guy they would pick for her. Everyone lists two, because of reasons. Everyone pretty much agrees it comes down to Doug or Humble Sean, except for one friend who says “Sean or Ryan.” RYAN!??!?! He JUST told Emily she could never get fat AND demonstrated his completely joyless personality! Emily, that woman is not your friend. She is probably drafting a plan to murder you. That is the only reason she would even joke about you picking Ryan.

Later, there’s a cocktail party. Doug and Tony hold a secret Dads Only meeting in an alley.

     

Tony the Beaver is having a really hard time leaving his son at home. Doug: Resident Dad tells Tony the Beaver that - and I’m paraphrasing - five-year-olds are idiots and Tony the Beaver’s stupid son won’t even remember or notice that Tony the Beaver left him for nine weeks. 

Anyway, Emily finds Tony Beaver crying and says multiple times “Aw, you’re so cute.” SHUT IT DOWN. Wrap up the ole human suit, Tony Beaver, you’re being sent home. Emily lets him down VERY gently. So gently, in fact, that I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a good six or seven guys out there in the world who believe they are Emily’s boyfriend because they never realized she broke up with them. I don’t think Tony Beaver even realized.

      

Tell me that’s not the face of a Beaverman who just thinks he’s getting a separate, beavers only ride back to the mansion to hang out with the guys and go on more dates.

Emily then takes Doug aside at the party and says that she knows he’s THE DAD, but she wants to know more about him, beyond him just being THE DAD. Doug then proceeds to tell a tragic story in which he refers to his mother as “a woman” that his dad met once, documents his father’s agonizing and tragically preventable death that they just didn’t have the money to prevent, and talks about raising his sister from a very young age. Not to be insensitive, but I think Doug the Dad could learn a few things from Stevie the Party MC, maybe in the Keeping Things Light department?

Back at the mansion, Arie gets the next one-on-one date. Whether Handsome Arie or Beady-Eyed Sweaty Arie will show up on the date remains to be seen.

Here’s all you need to know about Emily and Arie’s date: they are in love and he will win the show. They go to Dollywood and have a great time, and then Dolly Parton - Emily’s idol and apparently inspiration picture for the plastic surgeon that did Emily’s boobs, nose, and teeth - shows up and Emily freaks out and can’t stop talking about how this is the best day of her life. It’s such an eventful day for Emily that she also goes on her first roller coaster and has a GREAT time.

    

Oh sorry, she had an awful time. I hope that eagle carries them to safety, though!

Arie obviously gets the rose, even though Emily tried to fake him out as if she WASN’T going to give him the rose because she is almost TOO funny, and they are basically married. 

COCKTAIL PARTY.

Emily pulls Kalon aside for a chitchat, and Kalon reveals himself to be a sociopath. A lot of things are said about Kalon’s mom and how well she raised him, and it makes me wonder how much Kalon has talked about his mom and we just haven’t seen it. Because Emily seems to know a lot more about Kalon’s mom than I know about Kalon’s mom, and I’ve been watching PRETTY closely. Anyway, Emily asks Kalon how he would feel being a father to Ricky, and Kalon makes a big mistake by not just immediately saying “I feel great about it! You look so pretty in that dress!” Kalon goes on and on about how he always thought his first child would be his own. Emily interrupts him, because Kalon has been talking for 30 minutes, every syllable douchier than the last, but Kalon then interrupts HER and tells her she needs to let him finish. WINNER!!!!!!!! Usually people save the snipey, mincing, dual-interruptions for after 50 years of marriage, but second date works, too. Talk about a man raised right!

(I will say, though, Kalon IS the only guy that always stands whenever Emily walks into the room. Granted, he probably only stands so that she will have a better chance of hearing him tell her to shut the fuck up, but, small victories.)

Travis, the Man with the Egg, takes Emily outside to tell her that Wendy told him he should get rid of the egg, right after she tried to have sex with it. Emily agrees that the egg is super weird, so Travis tells her she can smash it. Which, LOLburgers. “I brought this egg to symbolize how I will take care of you and your daught - oh, it’s weird? Okay, I’ll just kill it.”

Emily smashes the egg, and tries to feign sadness, but Travis just laughs and pretends like it’s a sweet moment, staring at the monstrous, yolky mess of a shattered ostrich egg that symbolized his love for a stranger and her dim-witted child.

    

Meanwhile, Charlie Tatum is watching from the doorway and - because he is hilarious - yells out “Shelly, noooooooo! Shelly, nooooooooooo!” and pretends to cry over the dead Shelly. Charlie Tatum is truly amazing. He just hides in the wings and pokes his head out when there are things to make fun of, and then whenever he has to do something nice and potentially vulnerable, he just claims that he can’t because he has brain damage. It is really a great strategy.

Emily then pulls aside Alessandro, who, you may or may not remember, is a Grain Merchant. I know it’s just weird lighting, but doesn’t it look like someone is shining a blacklight on Alessandro’s face and revealing all the cocaine he just snorted and ate?

     

Emily asks Alessandro about how he would feel being a dad (get a new question, Emily.) Alessandro tells Emily that he has no experience with children and she would have to teach him, and him being a father would be a compromise. Emily gets confused. Alessandro clarifies. “It’s a compromise. If my company wanted me to move jobs, I would have to say, I cannot, because of my compromise. Because of my wife and family.” It’s true, Emily. Grain Merchanting is a tricky business, and if you aren’t willing to immediately go where the Grain is, how are you going to Merchant it? 

Emily tries to figure out if Alessandro knows what he’s saying, because he is, after all, a Brazilian Grain Merchant who speaks English as a second language. “This isn’t a language thing at all,” Alessandro says. “I know exactly what I’m saying, I feel very confident: you are a compromise.”

So Emily immediately sends Alessandro home, and he is shocked. Even though, in his exit interview, he says “I’m a gypsy king.” Yes, truly shocking that a woman wouldn’t want to marry a Gypsy King to raise her daughter.

Emily is very upset and goes back to the house to find comfort in the arms of her husband.

    

That could seriously be a photo from their wedding night.

Everyone gets wind of the fact that Arie and Emily are making out in the house, and it ruffles the wiry tendrils of Ryan the Ape’s hide. He is VERY ANGRY. (In case anyone is keeping track of Bachelorvengers, Sean is Captain America, Ryan the Ape is obviously the Hulk if the Hulk killed all the Bruce Banner parts, Jef is Hawkeye due to a passing resemblance to Jeremy Renner and general lameness, Michael is Loki because of hair, and Tony Beaver is Black Widow - HEAR ME OUT - because he is a world class beaver spy.)

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, and Emily slowly whispers their names until there are just a couple roses left, and Kalon still doesn’t have one. You’d think he’d be concerned, but no, he just stands there looking like the greasy offspring of Matthew McConaughey and a sea bass.

      

But he does get one, leaving the final rose between Stevie the Party MC and Nate, who I’m pretty sure just arrived this episode. Seriously, what is a Nate? And why is he the only one wearing a tie? Did the beavers find a new disguise? I mean, I know the beavers want to win this thing real bad, but did they really just sneak in a new guy when their first attempt failed? You sneaky beavers.

“Nate” gets the final rose, which sends Stevie the Party MC packin’. Emily, you cruel bitch. You knew he was my favorite.

Chris walks in and tenderly announces those famous words: “Stevie, I’m sorry. Take a moment, MC your goodbyes.”

Over the credits, the producers really kick Alessandro while he’s down by showing footage of his embarrassing interaction with Wendy and Emily’s other friend. Alessandro tells Wendy that he had a relationship with his cousin, really likes his “awesome niece” but has no contact with her, can’t even own a pet because he is too much of a gypsy, and has had a one night stand while cheating on his cousin-girlfriend. Even Wendy, a notorious sex criminal, was like “kbye.” 

We have a lot to talk about, so let’s just start with a very brief apology to Jim Henson and his entire family. Jim Henson probably rolled over so much in his grave last night that he tunneled through his coffin and his body is now at the Earth’s core. I seriously think that if he could have somehow known that his Muppets would one day be used to host “The Muppet Bachelorette Show!” and showcase the non-talents of the worst people on the planet, Jim Henson probably would have never created them and just been like, a computer engineer for his whole life. Or time traveled back to when he was just a baby in the womb and killed himself like Ashton Kutcher did in the Director’s Cut ending of The Butterfly Effect. Ok, let’s move on.

First off, I have to apologize for a couple inaccuracies in my first post: the guy with the ostrich egg was not eliminated THANK GOD. He is is still here. You can forgive my confusion, though, because he is no longer carrying the ostrich egg with him, which, what the egg is that about? Hey, guy whose name I just learned is Travis, the only thing weirder than showing up with an ostrich egg is showing up with an ostrich egg, saying it represents Emily and Ricky and you are going to protect it SO HARD to prove you would be a good father, and then leaving it in your room the whole time and hoping everyone forgot about it. BUT WE DIDN’T. AND WE NEVER WILL.

The second inaccuracy of my first post is that I picked the final two to be Channing Tatum’s Younger Brother Charlie Tatum, and the guy who wrote the note, whose name I learned was Ryan. But, after last night’s episode, I think it’s pretty safe to say that Ryan is the WOOOOOOOORST and I am so embarrassed. 

This week starts off with Chris Harrison rounding up all the guys and explaining the rules of the Bachelorette, which I don’t think has ever happened before and don’t understand why it’s happening now. Are none of these guys from America or something? The best part of the rule explanation is that when Chris tries to tell them about individual dates, he says “now this part is very complicated.” OF COURSE, on the Bachelorette, the most complicated part is when there are just two people on a date, instead of when there are 18 people on a date that involves jumping out of a helicopter onto a zipline into a waterfall infested with sharks.

RYAN GETS THE FIRST ONE-ON-ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Try not to get too mixed up about it, Ryan, one-on-one dates are VERY complicated.

You can tell that Ryan is going on a date, because he had to excuse himself from the Grotto Of Bare-Chested Pool Lounging and go put on a shirt. Ryan then struts around the Grotto, showing off that he HAS to wear a shirt because he gets to go OUT.

    

So Emily picks up Ryan in her car - WHAT??!?! WHO GAVE HER A DRIVER’S LICENSE AND DID THEY KNOW THAT SHE IS A WOMAN???! - and takes Ryan to her beautiful mansion. On the drive over, Ryan is really excited for a helicopter ride or a hot air balloon ride, but no, he has to go to Emily’s stupid house and bring in her stupid groceries and bake some stupid cookies for stupid Ricky’s stupid soccer practice.

Ryan does NOT seem into the whole cookie-making thing. At one point, while wearing an apron, he says “Let’s finish this up quick so I can look like a man again.” Call the police! That is what a man who will one day beat his wife says.

Next up on a Totally Normal Afternoon, Emily takes Ryan to Ricky’s soccer practice and tells him that he has to wait in the car while she takes the snacks over because she is not ready to introduce a strange man to her daughter. Good call, Emily. I mean, you’ve already introduced a strange camera crew to your daughter, not to mention all the strange men who watch television, but, whatever, maybe I just don’t GET it, this one-on-one business is TOO complicated.

Anyway, FELLAS, here’s some free advice. If you ever find yourself waiting in a car next to a little girls’ soccer practice, it is best to not watch the little girls with this expression on your face:

     

My phone is low on battery, can one of you please call the police?

Emily gets back in the car and plays a hilarious prank on Ryan by saying that their next activity is wrangling hyped-up six year olds at Chuck E. Cheese, as if a bunch of wild kids rule the local Chuck E. Cheese like a violent meth gang. Ryan’s like “I got this.” And then Emily says she’s kidding, and instead of laughing, Ryan gets VERY confused and all he can do is sip his juice box.

    

But really, their next activity is a flashy dinner in Charlotte, North Carolina. They roll up to a restaurant in a rented car, with RYAN DRIVING THIS TIME THANK GOODNESS, and there is a crowd of people there waiting to see Emily and clamoring to take cell phone pictures, because Emily is so great. 

      

Emily explains this phenomenon by saying that Charlotte is a small town and everyone always knows when something is going on. That’s an interesting LIE TO LIE TO US, EMILY. I’m pretty sure Charlotte is the biggest city in North Carolina. But whatever. This one-on-one is just TOO COMPLICATED for my mere mortal brain to understand.

At dinner, the conversation goes about as smoothly as you would expect it to, except not at all. Emily asks a lot of hard-hitting questions and they get mired in a weird conversation about what a relationship even is, and it’s so awkward and I’m so glad when it’s over and they walk outside to a concert, performed by one of Emily’s favorite bands, ABC’s New Band They’re Marketing, Whatever They Are Called.

Emily and Ryan dance on a stage in a sea of strangers.

  

Alright, now we’re onto the Group Date, which might be the worst thing that’s ever happened on television, and I’m including news coverage of tragedies in that category as well. 

The guys on the group date are putting on a variety show with the Muppets and Emily, and it’s raising money for the Children’s Hospital, but, no offense, I would rather the Children’s Hospital just didn’t get any money. And I know that sounds mean, but I’m almost positive whoever was at the event to accept the money on behalf of the Children’s Hospital probably would agree with me. So. It’s ok.

Who is this even for? Kids? Are kids supposed to enjoy this segment? At every turn, it gets worse. First it’s just Kermit hosting. And then Miss Piggy is doing skits. And then Fozzy is introducing the guys as stand-ups. And then Statler is heckling with Chris (ok, that part was amazing)

    

BUT THEN, there were all these little asides where Miss Piggy and Kermit were talking to the camera. AS IF THEY ARE PEOPLE. WHAT?!??!?! I’m pretty sure anyone watching the Bachelorette knows that the Muppets aren’t people. And that they don’t have opinions about Emily and who she should temporarily marry. THIS IS EGREGIOUS.

Okay, so anyway, the guys are all given different things to do in the variety show. Charlie Tatum is assigned stand-up, or, as he puts it, “I was issued on the comedy side of the skit.” This isn’t going to fly, because Charlie Tatum fell off of a wooden deck (I know I said in the first post that he fell THROUGH a wooden deck, but, to be fair, I never said I was a genius), and now he has a metal plate in his brain and he speaks really slowly and is really insecure about it. So he goes to tell Emily he isn’t comfortable performing stand-up, and Emily says he can just switch to the singing brigade.

Emily is, of course, SO nice about it and knows exactly what to say to make Charlie Tatum feel like a million bucks. But, then, weirdly, Charlie Tatum is STILL “issued on the comedy side of the skit” because he has to participate in Miss Piggy’s talk show? And he is VERY embarrassed.

    

But he manages to get out an answer, and everyone is very moved. But NO ONE is more proud of Charlie Tatum than Stevie the Party MC.

    

Later in the show, Kermit asks Emily to sing Rainbow Connection with him. There’s not enough barf in the world to express how I feel about that. Someone should probably go check on Jim Henson’s grave, because there’s a possibility that he rolled around in it so much last night that he created electricity and shocked himself back to life, and now a zombie Jim Henson is ambling towards Burbank to wreak havoc on Walt Disney Studios for taking a massive defecation on his legacy.

Emily says she’s not a very good singer, but she knows someone who IS, so she brings Ricky up onstage to sing with the Muppets. This is weird for a number of reasons, but the biggest one is Emily’s whole stance of “I don’t want to introduce these strange guys to my daughter, BUT I WILL have my daughter watch me perform with a bunch of strange men, and then parade my daughter on stage in front of hundreds of people AND those strange men, but that doesn’t COUNT as meeting.”

The worst is that when Ricky comes up onstage, all the guys are like “It’s so great to see Ricky!” “Ohh, look, it’s Ricky!” If there’s anything creepier than introducing your daughter to your 18 boyfriends, it’s forcing your daughter to be unknowingly watched and idolized by your 18 boyfriends. BEST MOM OF THE YEAR.

Anyway, the cocktail party. Emily first sits down with Chris and tells him that he is extremely good-looking, and Chris FREAKS OUT. He is so happy.

   

Stretch-Armstrong Gerard Butler is almost TOO happy.

Emily then next sits down with Jef. JEF! Where is that second F?!?!! Presumably your name is Jeffrey, ya dumb turd, so you CHOSE Jef. Ugh. UGH. 

Emily and Jef talk to each other like a couple of 15-year-olds, which makes sense, because Jef is 12 and old for his age. They don’t really say much, other than Emily is unsure if Jef likes her, and it becomes pretty clear that if you want to win the Bachelor OR Bachelorette, you just have to play hard to get. That’s all it takes. Because Jef gets the rose on the group date. CONGRATULATIONS JEF. Use the rose to buy yourself a new name.

Stevie the Party MC isn’t going to let the party pass him by, so he takes Emily aside and starts dancing with her to no music. Charlie Tatum stumbles upon them, and then goes to the other guys and is like “You guys gotta see this, it’s HILARIOUS.”

    

Uhhhh, Charlie Tatum? It’s a pretty dick move to one minute be begging for sympathy for your non-existent speech impediment and the next minute be making fun of a Party MC for doing the only thing a Party MC knows how to do.

Kalon, the Power Lesbian -

  

- steals Emily away from Stevie the Party MC and Stevie the Party MC does NOT like that, and goes to get super wasted by the fire.

   

He then confronts Kalon about being a douche, and some of the guys explain that it’s basically a class war, because Stevie the Party MC only MC’s Poverty Parties, and Kalon the Luxury Brand Consultant is a Luxury Brand Consultant.

Speaking of class war, can anyone spot the homeless man in this picture?

    

I’ll give you a hint: It’s Alessandro. On the right. He just wants his kids back.

Joe gets the next one-on-one and let’s just SMASH CUT to Joe being sent home. He seems like a nice guy, the date goes fine, but Emily tearfully tells him to leave AFTER she made him write down a wish for their future and stuff it in a clock where it will remain forever, which is a nice metaphor for the fleeting love of the Bachelor/ette. “I wish we will return to this place as a family in the future.” And five minutes later you are broken up. Nifty.

I also want to just raise the question - if Emily is from West Virginia, why did she HANG OUT at the Greenbrier, which is a very nice hotel IN West Virginia? Like, I’m from Pennsylvania, but I never spent my childhood summers at the Philadelphia Four Seasons. Because that would be the most expensive way to NOT take a vacation, and it would mean my parents were big dumdums. And no judgment, but maybe Emily’s parents are SUPER big dumdums? Anyway, Bye Joe.

     

Back at the house, Kalon gets in a fight with Doug, the Resident Dad. Basically, everyone is lounging in the Grotto of Bare-Chested Beer Drinking, and Doug the Resident Dad is holding a lecture about the responsibilities of being a father. 

Kalon makes a comment about how Doug put being a dad on hold so that he could come be the Resident Dad on the Bachelorette, and Doug immediately takes offense and doesn’t allow Kalon to explain. The fight makes almost no sense, because Doug really is overreacting like a dumdum, but it’s hard to side with Kalon because he looks like this:

      

Ok, to the cocktail party. FINALLY. I cannot believe this shit is two hours long each week. Is there really NOTHING else? ABC could legitimately just pay me $30, total, and I will create an hour-long block of programming for them so that this freak show can be condensed to a digestible 45 minutes. 

Tony the Beaver sees that Joe has gone home and really feels like he has to step it up and tell Emily that he has a kid too, because that’s really his only card to play. I mean, he can’t very well tell her about his past as a beaver, society isn’t ready for that yet. Save your beaver past for your Hometown date, Tony the Beaver, if you can get that far.

Tony the Beaver is all set to talk to Emily, but HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE PUT A LITTLE RYAN IN IT. Ryan, who is safe because he already has a rose, has stolen Emily away and this is NOT going to fly. So Tony the Beaver walks in to interrupt, just as Ryan hands Emily a 3,000 page handwritten novel. So Tony the Beaver has to stand there awkwardly, waiting for Emily to finish reading Ryan’s novel OUT LOUD. Emily says she feels really bad about it, but hey Emily, if you really felt that bad, you could have stopped reading. Or could you have? Guys, is… is Emily addicted to reading?

The best part of the whole ordeal is that all of the other guys who got Tony the Beaver psyched up to go interrupt and steal Emily away, watch him walk in and then just stand there, and then just laugh and make fun of him. Amazing. These guys are amazing. Charlie Tatum was probably heckling like “HEY, why don’t you TALK to her, you big piece of lame?!?!??!” And then he ran away laughing and fell through a wooden deck he didn’t even know he was standing on.

Tony the Beaver finally gets his alone time, and manages to very delicately bring up his son in such a manner that in no way suggests he is using his child as a thinly-veiled ploy to curry favor with a human-sized Barbie. It went like this:

Tony Beaver: Performing with the Muppets was fun today because I love the Muppets -

Emily: Me too!

Tony Beaver - shutup -and because I have a son!

    

Emily also talks to Arie, the Race Car Driver, who oscillates between being Handsome and Not Handsome so frequently that he might not be a human and might actually just be a school of fish that conforms into shapes, like that school of fish in Finding Nemo.

       

               P SHERMAN 42 WALLABY WAY SYDNEY. Never forget.

And then of course, Kalon steals Emily away to talk about how they are the youngest people there, because they are both 26. Well, sure, you are younger than Jef if you are accepting the lie that he is 27, but what about this guy?

     

Everyone always forgets about that guy.

ANYwho, while Kalon and Emily are talking, all the guys freak out about how much they hate Kalon. Wolf, the Destroyer of Data, offers this helpful hint: “I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you’re a dude, you’re a ***.” It is a SAFE assumption that what was bleeped out was “fag”, in which case - well done, Wolf the Destroyer of Data! You have proven yourself to be a TRUE asshole. Because only the TRUEST of assholes would call somebody a fag on national TV. It’s like, an asshole will think of calling someone a fag, a real asshole will do it, and a TRUE asshole will think “There’s nothing wrong with me saying this on TV for millions of people to see, I will certainly come across WELL, if not THE BEST.”

To the rose ceremony!

Everyone gets a rose except for this guy:

     

And this guy, who looks like the first guy except with dumb glasses:

   

I CANNOT BELIEVE only two people were eliminated, and that there are still a truly unmanageable amount of Luxury Investors and Video Consultant Engineers and Law Inventors. But at least we’ve seen the worst. Unless next week’s episode involves all of the contestants doing a bukkake* on Steve Martin.

*I don’t know if this is the correct spelling of bukkake, but I’m damn sure not going to google it to find out, and I would recommend you don’t either. SERIOUSLY DON’T. If you did, I guarantee this is the face you’d make:

                              

Hold onto your butts, boys and girls. Emily’s back.

I have been very excited for this season of The Bachelorette, because Emily is a delightful, cloud-filled, smiley Princess who always knows exactly what to say and is so adorable that I would not be surprised if you told me that she was the inspiration for Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Elle Fanning. SHE IS PERFECT.

And so, because she is PERFECT, the guys might actually all be obsessed with her, as opposed to last season of the Bachelorette, when I think we can all agree that if the prize was Ashley, the only winners were everyone but JP, who is now Ashley’s husband. It’s just not as interesting to watch guys compete if they aren’t really going to be competing because the prize is an insecure almost-dentist who has no idea what is going on around her at any given time. SORRY ASHLEY.

         

SO ANYWAY. Emily’s great, and as we all know, has suffered great tragedy and deserves to find love. Because, as this show would lead us to believe, if your fiancee and the father of your child dies tragically in a plane crash, it is man’s responsibility to date you and treat you like a princess, right Chris? OH CHRIS! I heard you got divorced since we last saw you, are you doing okay?

   

Guess not. But Chris reminds us that whoever wins the Bachelorette this season becomes a husband, BUT ALSO a father, making this pretty much the worst game show ever. “If you win, we hand you a wife and a 9-year-old child who only has a few more years of cute left before she turns into a total asshole teenager and then forces you to sell everything you have and take out a 2nd mortgage so she can go to college.”

Chris also informs us that instead of being in the normal crusty-curtained Reality Mansion in California, this season of the Bachelorette is based in Charlotte, North Carolina so that Emily can be close to her daughter, Ricky. Which is an interesting way to skirt around the criticism that Emily isn’t really a good mom if TWICE she leaves her daughter for months so she can go on a reality show to meet men. Which, sure, that’s really great that the show is in Charlotte. But also, even if you bring the poison to your house so you can be near your child, you still poisoned your child, you know? 

Let’s meet the men!!!!!

First up, can one of you call Tilda Swinton? Because WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KALON.

      

I mean, where do we start? With the cool coffee table accents? With the throw pillows that look like they have eyes, and that when the cameras stop rolling, they will resume talking to Kalon because they are his best friends and Kalon is like Steve from Blue’s Clues except not good with children and much less dynamic? Or with the ironic glasses that are askew, as if his science experiment just exploded but he’s trying to pretend that it didn’t but we’re all like “dude, your glasses are all screwy, something definitely just exploded?” 

No, we’ll start with his job. LUXURY BRAND CONSULTANT. The best part of the Bachelorette is definitely everyone’s jobs. Unlike the Bachelor, where the contestants are just like assistants/models/dental hygienists or vague, mean-nothing things because their job doesn’t matter they are there to be a WIFE, RIGHT 2012?!??!, on the Bachelorette, the contestants, because they are MEN (right 2012??!!) have to have really impressive sounding jobs so that they are a catch and can support the family they will be immediately handed if they win the show.

So, in terms of job, Kalon wins. He is a LUXURY BRAND CONSULTANT, and that comes with a helicopter and a personal shopper. He is basically the Donald Trump of the Bachelorette, and yet, something tells me he has like, $2,000 in his checking account and lives with his parents. I think it’s his crooked glasses that are telling me that.

Anyway, we also have a guy who is a Lumber Trader from Beaverton, Oregon.

    

So, in other words, a beaver in human disguise. I mean, just look at him. His hair is too perfectly tousled, and the house that he is sitting in, which I am assuming we are supposed to believe is his own, is VERY sparse, and everything that we can see in it is made out of a wood, JUST LIKE A BEAVER’S HOUSE WOULD BE. Now, we don’t know what his last name is, but I’d be willing to bet that whatever it is, the letters rearrange to “This Guy is a Beaver.” I mean, him being a beaver is kind of the only logical reason that he wouldn’t make a joke about the fact that he is a lumber trader from a place called Beaverton. So I mean, he either is a beaver trying to pass as a human, or a lame loaf of bread who can’t slam-dunk a joke even when he’s standing on a 10 foot ladder. A LUMBER TRADER FROM BEAVERTON. 

Also, I one time watched a documentary about beavers and let me tell you, it would be SUCH a beaver thing to do to put on a human disguise and be like “Uhhhhhhhhh my job? Uhhhhh…. I….. trade………. wood……….to humans. Where am I from? Beaver….town…… Beaverton!”

Next up, we have Lerone!!!!!!!

Lerone is the only black contestant, which - as some of you may know - is significant, because the Bachelor franchise is currently being sued for being racist, because it is. There has never been a minority Bachelor or Bachelorette, except for Ashley, who is 1/16th Cherokee, which is, no joke, something ABC actually argued. 

        

Anyway, Lerone seems like a good catch! He owns TWO computers!

    

And he’s pretty handsome! I hope he sticks around for at least a couple epi - oh he’s gone? Oh. Ok. Bye Lerone!

I understand why handsome and soft-spoken Lerone had to go, though. I mean, he just couldn’t compare to THIS GUY:

      

who is fresh from Dr. Frankenstein’s lab! The fact that he is a monster is the only explanation for 1) his posture, 2) his crooked tie, and 3) his job, which sounds like a job that stopped existing in 1899. He ALMOST wins “Kookiest Job” but is just NARROWLY edged out by this guy:

       

WHAT IS A DATA DESTRUCTION SPECIALIST?!??!?!?!!?!??! Does he go into the internet, like in Tron, (is that what they do in Tron?) and kill rogue data monsters? Or does he just like, delete stuff? From people’s hard drives? That is far more logical, obviously, but that person would not be called a Data DESTRUCTION Specialist, they would be called like, a Technician. It just makes no sense.

Also making no sense is “Wolf”. WHAT’S THAT? His nickname? If that’s really a nickname he is so intent on having the national TV audience know about, why didn’t he just say Wolf was his name?? Like I’m pretty sure if I went on the Bachelor I could be like “Please call me Jen, not Jennifer.” And they wouldn’t be like -Jen “Jennifer”- It just makes no sense. It makes him look sort of childish. Like “My name is John, but my friends call me Wolf, and if they don’t, I DESTROY THEIR DATA!!!!!”

Speaking of nicknames:

   

You spelled “Jeff” wrong. And if that kid is 27, I’m Miles Davis. Can someone make sure Glee isn’t missing an extra?

The big news on Jef is that he skateboarded in, catching a ride on the back of a limo like he was a regular Marty McFly. And then he carelessly threw his skateboard into the bushes, which probably killed somebody. He really chucked it hard. He’s going for the whole Kenickie-from-Grease vibe, except he probably doesn’t know what Grease is, because very few 11-year-olds have seen Grease.

There’s also a guy who makes little bobble-head dolls of himself and Emily, and here’s a bit of advice, fellas! When making a bobble-head doll of yourself and a girl you’re hoping to impress, make sure that you don’t make hers significantly uglier than yours:

     

      

                             Seriously? That just looks like Renee Zellweger.

The next guy we’re going to talk about is no longer on the show, so don’t get your hopes up like I did. I hoped he would be around forever, but he’s already gone, and I’m severely depressed about it. 

    

HE DRESSED UP LIKE AN OLD LADY AS A CALLBACK TO THE GIRL WHO BROUGHT HER GRANDMA ON THE FIRST NIGHT OF LAST SEASON’S BACHELOR. That is hilariously misguided. Like, yes, this is the Bachelorette, so it’s basically the same show, but also not at all! Because Emily was not on last season of the Bachelor, so she might not even know that that was a thing that happened, and she probably thought that this guy - whose name is Randy - was totally insane. 

That would be like if I were going to meet Mariska Hargitay and I dressed up like a featured extra from an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. SAME FRANCHISE. DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Get it together, Randy.

The only other guy we really have to talk about is Doug, the weepy sadsack who has an 11-year-old son (maybe it’s Jef?) that he will not shut up about, and is really playing the “I’m a Dad!” angle pretty hard. He talks to Emily twice in the first night, and both times he asks how Ricky is doing. I’m pretty sure in the past two hours, she hasn’t run home to hang out with her daughter, Doug. Cool it on the Ricky talk!

Doug hands Emily a handwritten note from his 11-year-old son, who is presumably at least in 5th grade, that reads like a kindergartener wrote it at gunpoint. “Dear Stranger, My dad is really nice. My dad is really funny. I hope you love him forever. Sincerely, Jef”

Anyway, for some indiscernible reason, Emily likes it and gives him the first impression rose. I’m sure Doug had a nice, long cry about that.

There’s also this guy:

   

This is Stevie, the Party MC. Let’s set aside the fact that a grown man goes by “Stevie”, and let’s set aside that he’s wearing a suit he stole from the set of Saved by the Bell, and let’s aside his 1980’s bar mitzvah dance moves and the question of “Where can I book Stevie the Party MC for all of my parties in need of an MC?”, and focus on the fact that Stevie the Party MC is amazing. He immediately hates Kalon, because Kalon showed up in a helicopter, and then walked into a room full of men who DIDN’T show up in a helicopter and said “I saw you guys from above, it looked like you were having a little party.”

So Stevie the Party MC nicknames Kalon “Helicopter Guy”, proving that Stevie the Party MC has a razor-sharp wit, (you could have at least called him a Heli-NOT-A-GUY, Stevie) and then proceeds to talk a bunch of shit to the other guys, but he does it with such a shit-eating grin on his face that none of the other guys really take it seriously. Everyone is just sort of like “What’s this Party MC even talking about?” I’m beginning to think Stevie the Party MC only hangs out with pre-schoolers. (Remind to google later if there’s any possibility that Stevie the Party MC is just Steve from Blue’s Clues.)

Rose Ceremony time!!!!!!!!!!

We of course mourn the loss of Lerone, whose only crime was being black on ABC, and Randy, whose only crime was being legitimately insane, and a guy who brought an egg with him, whose only crime is self-explanatory.

We are left with a still unmanageable amount of Sand Destroyers and Speciality Jam Consultants and Wind Trader Specialists, but I will go ahead right now and pick the final two:

One spot in the finale will certainly go to Charlie:

 

This Poor Man’s Channing Tatum recently suffered a massive brain injury because he fell THROUGH a wooden deck on the second story of a house. Before I make a joke about this, I do want to say - that is horrifying and I’m glad he isn’t dead and I hope that never happens to anyone.

BUT, falling through a wooden deck sounds like something that happens when you’re doing like, a Keg Stand, and you finish, and you drunkenly stand up and pick up the empty keg and hold it over your head and proudly throw it to the ground, and then the ground breaks and you fall twenty feet to the actual ground, because you were on an exterior wooden deck. I don’t mean to be racist, but Charlie looks like the kind of guy who would do that. JUST SAYING.

Charlie seals the deal of his sweet introduction with the line: “I may have had a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.”

No, Charlie, there isn’t. Kegs and decks may break your bones, but nothing is wrong with your heart.

My other pick for the finale is this guy:

    

HAHA JK! RIP Randy.

My real pick is this guy: 

   

Because he has a child Army.

Just kidding! It’s actually because he seems normal enough that I can’t remember his name, all I can remember is that he held up a note saying “You’re so beautiful, I’m so nervous”, which is exactly the kind of “I watched Love, Actually once so I know signs are good, but I’m also original enough to write my own sign” move that gets you to at least Hometowns. Good job, Man. 

I’m very much looking forward to seeing everyone have to interact with children at some point, because if there’s anything better than weird guys competing against each other to win the affections of a Beautiful Princess, it’s definitely weird guys competing against each other to win the affections of a bunch of children that were randomly assembled at a casting call in North Carolina.

      

1. Hey baby squirrel! Is that YOUR home office or somebody else’s?

              1a. If that is somebody else’s home office, how’d you get in? Why are they     filming you and not stopping you from destroying their earbuds? And why do they have a PC laptop? Are they a BIG LOSER or something?

2. Hey baby squirrel! Do you just so desperately need to hear more of “Call Me Maybe” that you want to INGEST A SOUND SYSTEM SO IT IS CONSTANTLY PLAYING INSIDE OF YOU?

3. Hey baby squirrel! You hungry? 

4. Hey baby squirrel! Why didn’t your parents teach you what a nut looks like?

5. Hey baby squirrel! Do you think it’s weird that a video of you trying to consume a piece of plastic was featured on abcnews.com? Me too!!!!!!

1. When Prim hears the announcement that there can be two winners if they are from the same District, she forgets who else was from District 12 and tries to team up with Thresh.

2. A butterfly lands on Prim’s arm, she is so startled she hyperventilates and dies.

3. To camouflage herself, Prim crawls into a leaf pile. But the weight of the leaves collapses her lungs :(

4. Prim starves to death because no one ever announced lunch time.

5. Prim found a sword!!!!!!!!! But a branch tickles her neck and she freaks out and decapitates herself.

6. Cato yells “Hey Prim, come here, it’s Katniss!” and Prim unquestionably goes to him.

7. Prim goes to adjust her Mockingjay Pin and accidentally pricks her finger and bleeds out.

8. Recalling her goat back home, Prim tries to milk one of the ravenous dogs. They eat her.

9. In an effort to make friends, Prim posts flyers around the arena inviting everyone to a party. Everyone shows up and kills her with the Pinata bats she painstakingly crafted out of branches.

10. Prim trips on her shirttail and falls down a mountain. TUCK THAT SHIT IN, LITTLE DUCK!

11. Prim sleepwalks into a river. Drowns.

12. Peeta tells Prim he has a crush on Katniss. Prim, disappointed because she like-likes Peeta, murders him, wins the Games, goes home, murders Katniss, laughs maniacally, realizes that Peeta and Katniss are now together in Heaven, face-palms, and then kills herself so she can go break them up again.

13. Prim scrapes her knee. Haymitch sends her ointment, but she thinks it’s jam and she eats it.

14. Prim heroically dives in front of the spear to save Rue’s life. Unfortunately, Prim is so unsubstantial that the spear easily goes through her and kills both of them.

15. After failing to find a toilet for seven days, Prim dies from poop build-up.

16. Prim manages to steal an apple from the Cornucopia. Having never seen an apple before, she eats the entire thing, seeds and all. An apple tree grows in her stomach and explodes her from the inside.

17. One of Prim’s braids snags on a tree and she gets stuck. She politely asks Clove to untangle her.

18. In trying to catch a parachute from Haymitch, she grabs onto it and is carried off into the sky, too light to drag it down. The parachute crashes into the ceiling of the arena. Prim falls to her death.

19. Prim lights a fire to draw the Career Tributes into the woods as a decoy so she can steal their supplies, but forgets to run away.

20. Prim was diagnosed with cancer four years ago.