daily savagery

Despite NBC CEO Steve Burke finally managing to stake Ready for Love through the heart with a cursed silver dagger and forever banish it from network primetime, the evil spirit was able to crawl - shriveled and broken but still not quite dead - into the internet, where it lays in wait, hoping that its few remaining loyal fans will harness the energy to resurrect it. Ready for Love is like Voldemort, but less popular.

We are welcomed to this week’s episode by America’s Favorite Married Couple and Primetime’s Least Charismatic Hosting Duo, Giulana and Bill Rancic. I tried to take a screen-grab so I could make fun of their clothes, and lo and behold look what I caught:

  

EVA LONGORIA. Never forget.

Also, Giulana, that necklace is absurd. The only excuse for that necklace is if you are a robot and they are solar panels. Are you a robot, Giulana? I don’t think so. If you are, download a better personality. (That might sound mean but her job is literally a TV personality but she is so awkward and unpleasant she makes Carson Daly look like Jimmy Fallon.)

Tim is up first, because he is Super Famous. His date for this week is a trivia contest, hosted by Least Popular Kid at the Cool Kid’s Table Who Was Only Included in the Group Because His Dad Owns a Boat that We Can All Have a Totally Cool Spring Break On, Bill Rancic. And the trivia is not just normal trivia, it’s Tim Lopez trivia. And it’s not just called Trivia Contest, it’s called Ready for Lopez. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. 

“Are you all ready for… Lopez?” Bill smarms. No, Bill. I’m actually ready to put my head in a microwave, but please, continue.

The questions are, of course, hilarious:

I have many favorite parts about this question, but I have a tie for first: one is that “a boathouse” could be even conceived as a possible answer. “Where’s your favorite place to go in Santa Barbara, Tim?” “Uh, I dunno, a boathouse?” “Any specific boathouse?” “Nah, just a boathouse.” The other favorite thing tied for first favorite thing is that the actual answer is A TREE WHERE HE CAN SING. OHHHHHHHHHHHH FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE. Tim Lopez is basically like one of those dinosaurs that you grow out of a tiny capsule by submerging it in water overnight, except instead of a capsule it’s an Instagram of a sunset, and instead of water it’s PBR, and instead of letting it sit out overnight you put it under Joe Jonas’s pillow. 

Jenna wins. Well, she both wins and loses. She wins in the sense that she got the most answers right but that can pretty much be chalked up as big loss in the grand scheme of life. “Congratulations, you knew the most about Tim Lopez. Who is that again?” - Tim Lopez’s mom.

Jenna and Tim get to go play pool together, and it quickly devolves into Jenna making out with a shirtless Tim while standing on top of the pool table. Fun. 

A lot of other stuff happened on this date, including a helicopter ride, but I don’t know the details because this is when I got up to make myself dinner and I didn’t bother to pause the show or rewind when I got back. But I think I can guess - everyone did something stupid and embarrassing.

Later, at the Public Shaming, Giuliana asks if everyone enjoyed their helicopter ride. Bill’s shit-eating grin is more shit-eating than usual, and he squirms a little on his feet while barely containing himself as he asks if Giuliana remembers her first helicopter ride. 

“I do,” Giulana grins through gritted teeth, as if it’s impossible to see anything through the thick, black letters of DIVORCE HIM that are always seething into her retinas, “you proposed to me on a helicopter.”

HAHAHAHA WHAT. Helicopters are very loud. You have to wear headphones!! I bet that proposal was great.

“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”

“WHAT?”

“WILL. YOU. MARRY. ME?!”

“THIS IS SCARY!”

“NO! WILL YOU MARRY ME?!”

“LOOK AT HOW SMALL EVERYONE LOOKS!”

“WILL YOU MARRY ME?!”

“OH. Uh. Sure, I guess. Ugh. Great.”

Anyway, the Public Shaming is pretty tame. The matchmakers then have to huddle to select two girls for the Bottom Two, one of which Tim will have to eliminate. I am startled that they did not figure out a better way for the matchmakers to “huddle” than to just literally huddle, all three of them, on one of their armchairs, but then again, what is Ready for Love if not a giant string of half-thoughts hastily assembled into a trash pile?

Tim sends home the cool girl with the afro who wore a crazy hat and danced all weird and talks like she’s a beatnik mermaid. You know the one. Apparently she told Tim earlier that she has had relationships with women, and the matchmakers told her afterwards at the Shaming that that was a BIG mistake. Goody Sideshow Bob Matchmaker tells her that’s a big deal and she wished she had known about it, and Goody British Matchmaker agrees. Goody Other Matchmaker condemns Sister Beatnik Mermaid to burn at the stake. 

Next up is Wealthy Handsome Ben!!! He takes his girls on a date at a small vineyard somewhere, and the entire thing is underscored by pop songs while showing quick montages of artsy shots of wine barrels and grapevines as if the cameraman by this point knew this show was doomed and decided he would just use the rest of the time to create a good reel for himself. 

Kari, Ben’s ex-girlfriend, is hilariously and obviously hated by everyone. She is pure evil. She clearly came on the show because she wants to be famous, and it really feels like evidence of a higher power that the show was canceled and she never will be. If any of you ever see Kari in public, play a hilarious prank by completely ignoring her and asking whoever she is with for an autograph, even if it’s her waiter. 

Kari’s matchmaker, the blonde woman (I am very proud of the fact that my brain has refused to learn her name), tells Kari that she needs to get Ben to trust him, so they are going to do trust exercises. Ben does a trust-fall into Kari’s arms and suddenly, years of their drunken screaming matches and her (what we can pretty confidently assume was) cheating on him are gone in an instant. The Magic of the Trust Fall. 

Kari then trust-falls into Ben’s arms and he swoops her straight to the ground to make out with her, all perfectly timed with the swelling of a song that sounds like Taylor Swift fan fiction lyrics.

Later, in the Shame Arena, Kari’s matchmaker is pleased with her performance. “Colleges across the country are rewriting chemistry books because of you and Ben,” she says. Sure. I’m sure they are. “Humans don’t deserve the benefits of science” they are frantically scrawling across their work “erase all of this and shoot the smart people into space, we will colonize Mars, there is no place for us here.”

Now it’s Ben’s turn to send someone home! I don’t know who it was, I was too busy looking at pictures of my parents’ dog on Facebook.

Next up is Ernesto’s date!!!!!!!! His girls are cooking for him LIKE WOMEN SHOULD, NOW ALL YOU WOMEN PUT ON YOUR APRONS AND BOW DOWN TO YOUR LORD EVA LONGORIA AND PRAY FOR MERCY AND NAIL POLISH. Shandi makes a big fuss about how she is a healthy cook and instead of making normal pizza she made portabello pizza, with mushrooms instead of pizza dough. Ernesto asks - without even a hint of a smile - if it’s safe to eat. Shandi laughs and says “of course!” and then Erneso, still not smiling, makes her eat a bite at the same time as he does so that “we will both be poisoned, if it’s poison.” This is where Shandi’s sparkly facade begins to crack, and she meekly mumbles “It’s… not poison.” And then, as if this moment couldn’t get any better, Shandi says she made up the recipe herself, and Alba, the girl immediately next to her, goes “She looked it up on the internet.” and Ernesto BURSTS OUT LAUGHING, HUGS ALBA, AND THEN DROOLS OVER THE CHEESY LASAGNA SHE IS MAKING. Shandi, knowing she has lost, crawls into the oven.

Later, Ernesto sends somebody home. I don’t know that anybody cares who he sent home, because it seems obvious that everyone realizes what a crock of bologna this whole thing is. There are rumors that Ernesto is actually now dating Eva Longoria, which is amazing. If that’s true, Eva Longoria really is just a snake eating her own tail.

Another amazing part of the show was when British Matchmaker, pleased with his pupil’s performance on a date, bestowed upon the lowly wench a pair of “brass balls” at the Public Shaming. Everyone whooped and hollered, except for Bill, who blushed and screamed “This is a family show!” Actually, Bill, it’s not a show for families. It’s a show for nobody. Because it was canceled. And is now a web series.

Also, at the very end of the credits, there is this frame:

- which I can only take to mean they edited all of the entertainment out?

Last weekend, news broke that NBC had canceled Ready for Love, a show so offensive and bizarre that it feels like a minstrel show for dating. I couldn’t believe it. We had discovered that there was a line, that maybe we’ll accept the shallow platitudes of the Bachelor franchise, and begrudgingly swallow the unnecessary spectacle of The Voice, but we have no tolerance for Eva Longoria just mashing those things together in an unholy union to make a deformed, goat-headed hybrid. I felt ten pounds lighter, knowing that I would never have to see another episode of Ready for Love, that Tim Lopez wouldn’t even get the satisfaction of free publicity for the best band ever, The Plain White T’s. It felt like we had won a battle against reality TV, that the sun was shining again. My screenwriting degree from college breathed a sigh of relief. And then it burst into flames, because Ready for Love is still on the air.

I assumed that such a swift cancellation meant that NBC would not air the rest of the episodes, but I was wrong. I forgot the cardinal rule of conquering an evil, satanic villain - it’s never really dead.

So Ready for Love was on again last night and OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BOY does it just get worse and worse with time. The premiere episode of Ready for Love was basically like Eva Longoria offering us a glass of spoiled milk. We were disappointed, because we know what milk tastes like, and sometimes we like milk! But this milk was terrible. The second episode of Ready for Love was like Eva Longoria giving us a glass of piss. “You came back to my house, even though I gave you spoiled milk, so here, drink this piss. It’s not even mine. I don’t even know whose it is. I got it from two random guys.” This third episode is like Eva Longoria just punching us in the stomach while screaming the three-note sting that welcomes us back after every commercial break and sounds like it was created by a Barbie in 1990 on Barbie’s First Computer. “ARE YOU READ-AY?!” Why do you hate us so much, Eva Longoria? Is it because we like Eva Mendes? There’s room for both of you! 

The episode starts off with Tim picking up his girls from their Tim-themed house. Oh yeah that’s right, they live in a TIM LOPEZ THEMED HOUSE. It’s covered with Plain White T’s records (don’t they just have that one song?) and pictures of Tim Lopez so that the girls don’t forget what he looks like. Tim shows up at 6:00am and surprises the girls by jumping on their beds, dragging them out into the kitchen, and telling them they’re leaving, right now, NO MAKE-UP. Everyone is very appalled. 

Tim takes the girls to a spa in Beverly Hills, and tells them that since their last date was all about him (forcing them to listen to him play music), this date would be all about THEM (forcing them to get spa makeovers in their pajamas that they should not be wearing out of the house because they are adults and this isn’t summer camp, they are in the actual world, in an actual business, on an actual street, with actual people.) While the girls are getting makeovers, Tim lazily drifts around talking to them and BOY OH BOY IS THIS GUY A REAL DOUCHE. He’s so blatantly disinterested in everybody that there’s no way - and I can’t even believe I’m saying this, the terrorists have won - he’s ready for love. I bet you every night he goes home to The Plain White T’s and says, verbatim, “These bitties are nuts, T’s.” And the T’s are just like “Hey there Delilah, what!” And then they all start making out.

Later, Tim’s girls are reprimanded by their overlords. One girl kissed Tim, and the matchmakers bring it up, and then Bill asks if the other girls knew that Kiss Girl had kissed Tim, and they say no. Bill laughs and goes “Well, SURPRISE!” I mean, JESUS CHRIST, Bill, RELAX. You are a GROWN MAN not a high school lacrosse player. I don’t understand why Bill Rancic feels the need to repeatedly slut-shame the women who signed up for the same reality show he signed up for. You’re drinking the same piss we are, Rancic. So chill.

Also Haley, the girl who said the word “FART” on a date and somehow miraculously was not struck down by a lightening bolt sent from God, did not do well this week because she talked about vomiting in front of Tim. I will say, as much of a horrible nightmare this show is, it was all almost worth it to watch a grown woman tell another grown woman to not talk about puking and farts in public. 

Tim walks onstage and gets a STANDING OVATION. Standing ovations no longer have ANY meaning. In fact, if I ever get a standing ovation in my life I’ll just be insulted now. Tim sends someone home and I don’t remember who it is. Who cares? Do you care? If you care, tell me so that I can come hug you and help you figure out what’s wrong.

Next up is Ernesto!!!!!!!! Who is Italian? Or Brazilian? I have no idea. He speaks Spanish, but his accent is implacable, and his sister is from Milan? And a fashion designer? But I also seriously doubt that claim?

Ernesto’s hens have to put on a fashion show because Eva Longoria learned about Project Runway and decided to eat that show too. (And then poop it out into the toilet that is Tuesdays at 8pm on NBC.) Ernesto’s sister puts on a wig and disguises herself as a stylist’s assistant so that she can spy on the girls and see how they REALLY are. 

Let’s pause for a moment to reflect on the fact that these are literally torture tactics? This show is treating these women the way that we treat suspected terrorists? Like, we will lock suspected terrorists away and cut them off from contacting their family and friends? And we will sometimes not let them sleep? And then we also spy on them? I mean, AT LEAST these women get a trial in front a jury of their slavemasters. So, I guess that’s better? 

One of the girls is a huge bitch to Ernesto’s sister, and she is eliminated. I think. I don’t know. What does it matter? I just want to go home.

Next up is Ben’s date. Ben is the worst! He is clearly the most handsome, but also so smarmy that if he were a condiment he would be smarmalade. Ben makes out with a bunch of girls in a way that was so terrible even the microscopic spiders that live on my skin begged me to turn off the TV. 

Ben takes the girls salsa dancing, and the entire date is underscored by the chorus of an Enrique Iglesias song on repeat. One of Ben’s girls is his old ex-girlfriend, and I know her name is Kari but I also want to forget everything I know about this show so I’m just going to pretend I don’t know her name and call her Kandi. 

Kandi and Ben clearly were the worst couple in the history of the world and when they broke up, everyone they know breathed a HEAVY sigh of relief. From the glimpses we get of their breakup, we know that it involved a million cryptic texts, Ben screaming at her outside of a club “LOSE. MY. NUMBER!”, and then Ben moving to the Middle East to get away from Kandi. SOUNDS GOOD. They also recently rekindled and had dinner together in Dallas but then Ben never called her and the next time they saw each other she was on a reality show competing to be his wife. True love, indeed. I hope these two have been sterilized.

Kandi gets mad at Ben for kissing other girls, so the matchmakers yell at her for being a big ole bitch. They literally make all the other girls leave and Kandi sits alone on stage, ready to be interrogated by a manic-depressive Claire Danes.

The British matchmaker, who is named Matt but curiously refuses to call his business Matt-chmaker?, tells Kandi she’s being a real big dumb ole bitch and Kandi is like “garbagegarbagegarbage” and then Giulana Rancic barfs “Garbage!” and the studio audience cheers. 

The matchmakers also yell at the girl who is a single mom, because she is talking about being a mom way too much. (Except Ben was the one that asked her about her kids?) Matt-chmaker then says she needs to stop focusing on being a mom, and I really need to stress that this is an exact quote, then says “I’m going to give you a new identity. Hot, blonde, goddess.” 

I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A NEW IDENTITY. AND 1/3 OF IT IS THAT YOU ARE BLONDE.

I really need to know how these people sleep at night. They can’t, right? If there’s any justice in this world, all of those matchmakers, both Rancics, and Eva Longoria are haunted every night by the ghosts of just everyone.

Ugh. This show. Can we just shoot it into space?

Well the garbage pageant returned last night and even though it was episode 2 and filmed on the same day as episode 1, it already feels like everyone involved with production of the show just isn’t even trying anymore. I don’t know how to explain Ready For Love. Watching it is like watching the fever dream of a schizophrenic loon. The ratings for this show aren’t great so they’re probably looking for some good press to promote it so allow me to offer the producers this pull quote: “Watching Ready For Love makes me feel as though my mind has broken.”

Last week, we had a whole episode devoted to meeting Tim Lopez, the Most Famous Man in the World. That episode was titled “A Rock Star’s Search For Love” which, OH BOY. This episode - which was shot on the same day as the first episode and no one even noticed or cared or thought that since these episodes would be airing a week apart that Giulana and Bill Rancic should change their goddamn clothes so they could at least create the illusion of time passing, and not the impression that Ready For Love is just constantly happening somewhere in the deepest bowels of Hell, and we just sometimes check in via NBC primetime - anyway, this episode was titled “Meet Ernesto and Ben.” Because yeah, Ernesto and Ben are just that - Ernesto and Ben. Unlike Big Time A List Celebrity Tim Lopez, Ernesto and Ben don’t even have any semblance of desirability. They are just vaguely handsome, seemingly employed (but I doubt it) dudes. And now we watch as women subject themselves to public scrutiny and shameful scolding from a panel of idiots in order to contort themselves into a beautiful Shell of Womanhood so that they can finally find a husband. This show seriously makes Bachelor Pad look like The Wire. 

I honestly believe that Ready For Love aims to be torture. I think it’s the first ever exploitation TV show. I would not be surprised to learn it was written and directed by Harmony Korine. How else could you possibly explain the incessant soundtrack, which is just the same 10 second loop of the chorus of that Maroon 5 song? Literally any time anything happens on Ready For Love, the music swells and Adam Levine shouts WHOA-OH-OH! I thought I would try to count how many times they used it but I lost track at 9. NINE! AND THIS WAS WITHIN THE FIRST TWENTY MINUTES OF THE SHOW. 

The first half of last night’s interminable nightmare is devoted to Ernesto, who describes himself as “definitely a philanthropist”, which is weird because Philanthropist is listed as his job. That means he is unemployed. That means that right before Ernesto said “I’m definitely a philanthropist”, some sweaty off camera producers were trying to cajole him into saying anything that would make him sound like something more than some Miami Beach douchebag living off his wealthy parents’ money and collecting a monthly yacht allowance and they finally just said “Would you call yourself a philanthropist?” 

Ernesto meets several elevator-loads of various women, and picks his nine. The nine women are then placed into their individual pods where they will remain for the rest of their lives, their self-esteem being harvested to fuel Smash, unless Ernesto decides to make one of them his wife.

ONE OF THOSE WOMEN IN THAT MINI FRIDGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS WIFE. HIS WIFE. HOW COULD ANYONE POSSIBLY THINK THAT ANYONE WOULD EVER BELIEVE THAT THIS PURE UNADULTERATED HORSE SHIT COULD EVER LEAD TO EVEN A TEMPORARY ENGAGEMENT?!?!

Ernesto takes his nine new friends on a group date, and the date is them building a house because Ernesto sometimes “builds houses” as part of his “philanthropy.” I feel so sorry for whoever lives in the house that Ready For Love built. Surely it is haunted by the most horrific poltergeists, manifested by all the stupidity and spray tan fumes that Ernesto’s harem left behind.

On the date, Shandi, who is THE WORST, makes a big deal out of feeling competitive with some girl whose name I think is Alba? Shandi worries that Alba has an edge because Ernesto is from Honduras and Alba is from… somewhere. I don’t know. But she said “hola!” when she was introduced and Shandi is UPSET about it.

Shandi then talks to Ernesto about his “philanthropy” and Ernesto tells her he builds houses which families can then rent for only $90/month, and Alba nods and says “That’s amazing!” and Shandi looks uncomfortable and says “Well, I don’t know the exchange rate.” OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBOYBOYBOY. Putting aside the racist implications of Shadi’s fears and comments, that is still a very rude thing to say. “Well, I don’t know the exchange rate so who is to say if that’s really a good deal?!”

Later, Ernesto calls the matchmakers and they each pick one girl from their teams for Ernesto to “spend more time with”, so Ernesto takes three girls on a more private date at a Romantic Jacuzzi. One girl refuses to get in the water because she claims it’s inappropriate, so while the other girls strip down to their bikinis, she keeps her robe on and sits on the edge of the pool. I KNOW, RIGHT? What a dowdy old bitch. Don’t worry, he sends her home later.

The girls are brought into the studio to face their judges. The matchmakers congratulate some girls and reprimand others. Matchmaker Sideshow Bob tells one girl who failed to make an impression on Ernesto: “If you remember, I wanted you to have a voice in this threesome.” That’s right, STUPID GIRL, why didn’t you heed the advice of the woman who has the MOST VIEWED ARTICLE EVER ON THE HUFFINGTON POST and make yourself stand out in your weird team of three that is also competing against two other groups of three so really you need to have a voice in a nine-some?! YOU IDIOT!!!!! THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE A HUSBAND YOU CRUSTY OLD CRONE!!!!!! NOW GET ON YOUR KNEES AND THANK EVA LONGORIA FOR SUPPLYING YOU WITH THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!!! The studio audience cheers. Adam Levine WOAH-OH-OHs. I cry and wish TV had never been invented.

Three girls are put up for elimination, Ernesto chooses to save one of them, and then he and the bottom two are loaded into the elevators and sent to the underground Dumping Chamber. The girls get in a passive-aggressive fight, and Ernesto looks so miserable like he just wishes he could be jumping off a yacht right now and not standing here not having sex with two  yammer-ons, but finally he musters just enough energy to tell the girl who didn’t take off her bathrobe to GTFO. He then turns to the girl that he has kept, and asks her to promise him she won’t be so annoying in the future. “I promise,” she says, “I will make the most out of this opportunity. You won’t regret it.” 

And finally, it’s over. This hour-long nightmare has come to a close, and we can all go back to our lives OH BUT WAIT THE SHOW LITERALLY JUST STARTS OVER FROM THE BEGINNING BUT THIS TIME WITH BEN.

If this wasn’t made to be a fever dream, then whoever edited this show has the most severe case of ADHD ever seen in humans. The entire thing is a never-ending montage that at one point ENDS and then STARTS AGAIN. Like, we literally see Ernesto send a woman home, which is the universal symbol for a reality show to be over, and then all of a sudden we are right back on the Ready For Love stage with Giulana Rancic in her same Ant Priestess dress, introducing us to a slightly different Vaguely Handsome Man and the sea of women that claw their way up from the basement in order to deliver a thirty-second sales pitch about why they are the best wife. In case you were wondering if I was being hyperbolic about this show making me feel like I have gone insane, I literally couldn’t take it anymore and turned it off when it reset for Ben.

Congratulations Eva Longoria, you have created a TV show so meaningless, repetitive, and insane that I might as well be watching the Legally Blonde DVD menu. 

Hi!

I hope you are doing well! The puppy, who I’ve decided to name Fozzie (like from The Muppets, lol!) is SO cute and seems to be loving his new home! He has so much energy!!! 

I just wanted to write to you because I noticed some weird behavior on Fozzie’s part and… well, I guess there’s no way to say this without just blurting it out, but I was wondering if Fozzie is really a dog? And not a ferret on steroids? I don’t mean to accuse you of anything nefarious!! I’m sure if Fozzie is, in fact, a ferret on steroids it probably comes as an even bigger shock to you!! 

Now, I’ve never had a dog before so maybe I am just getting used to pets but I have friends with dogs and none of those dogs have ever hissed at me like a snake?? But Fozzie does that A LOT! Did Fozzie’s mom ever exhibit this behavior?? I know Fozzie takes more after his dad (who I wish I could have met, I bet he is very handsome!!!) since his dad is the poodle and his mom was a St. Bernard, right? I think that’s what your dog was - a St. Bernard? Like Beethoven? I think it’s SO funny how dogs can be so different from each other and still the same species. Like how your Beethoven dog’s puppies are these little white fluffballs like Fozzie!! 

The only other worrisome habit I’ve noticed is that Fozzie is stealing all of my socks and hoarding them in a corner of the bathroom!! I know dogs normally chew up socks and shoes and things but Fozzie seems to COLLECT them! I tried to take back all of my socks but Fozzie hissed at me like a snake and then pretty viciously attacked my toes so I ran away!

Anyway, I have locked Fozzie in the bathroom while I try to figure out how to deal with all the vicious biting and stealing. And the snake-like hissing, which is actually SO scary!! I know ferrets make great pets themselves, but I’m worried that whatever happened to make Fozzie so big (if he really is a ferret on steroids, again I don’t mean to accuse you of anything Linda!!) also made him really strong and mad?? 

I’m so sorry to send such a lengthy email! The truth is I got a pet because my psychiatrist said pets can be good for dealing with anxiety, but I’ve been so stressed out trying to figure out all of Fozzie’s weird behaviors, and why his eyes are so small, that I feel like my anxiety has gotten WORSE! So I’d just love to get to the bottom of this!! 

Also I tried calling you but your number is disconnected!! So I just got your email from the original Craigslist post about the puppies. I never noticed how different Fozzie looks from the puppies on the post!! Are they from a different litter?? 

I hope to hear from you soon!!

All the best,

Tracy

To cope with the current Bachelor/ette/Pad void, I decided to watch Ready For Love because I thought it would be a hilarious substitute. In a funny turn of events, though, it turns out that Ready for Love is not a hilarious substitute for The Bachelor, it’s like the evil version of The Bachelor that traveled here from a bleak, dystopian future in Hell. It most certainly does not take place in this plane of existence, because nothing about it makes any sense and no one in it functions like a human, or even a humanoid robot. Furbys are more human than everyone involved in this show.

Ready For Love gets off to an immediately confusing start because the first image is:

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWHAAAAAAA? EVA LONGORIA?! Doesn’t she have, like, an actual job? What is she doing here? I did not realize she got sucked through a wormhole and into a nightmarish demon dimension where she is forced to peddle garbage romance for the rest of eternity. I’m so sorry, Eva Longoria! Oh wait, you are the Executive Producer of this trainwreck? You owe me an apology, Eva Longoria!

Eva Longoria leads us through a series of clips that show highlights from the upcoming season and explain how the show works. It goes on for roughly 93 minutes. I have a college degree and I was confused by what was happening.

Even more confusing is when Eva Longoria introduces us to the hosts of Ready for Love, “America’s favorite married couple,” she says, “Giulana and Bill Rancic!” If they are America’s favorite married couple, I guess everyone else on Earth got divorced?

There’s no way America’s Favorite Married Couple is this Ant Priestess and her bland assistant. Also, right after this moment, Eva Longoria disappears and is never seen again. 

We meet the first of our three heroes, Tim Lopez. Yeah, you read that right, THE Tim Lopez. Can you believe it??!?!? Man, this show is SERIOUS. I don’t have to explain to you who Tim Lopez is, but I guess I will in case you are a BLIND AND DEAF IDIOT. Tim Lopez is the lead singer of your favorite band, The Plain White T’s. YEAH. THE The Plain White T’s. THIS SHOW IS OFF DA HOOOOOOOK! 

Tim Lopez is not your stereotypical rock star. (Because he’s not a rock star) We know he’s not your stereotypical rock star (because we’ve never heard of him) because he says it multiple times, and then other people say it about him at least four dozen times. Tim says that he is ready for love. OHHHHHHHHHHHH LIKE THE NAME OF THE SHOW. I totally get it now.

Tim Lopez is so cool that he parks his motorcycle next to his fireplace.

Now, here’s how the show works:

It doesn’t matter. Don’t waste any of your brain space trying to understand how any of this works.

One of the three professional matchmakers who lord over this show as if they are on Mount Olympus, introduces herself as - I don’t know, I honestly don’t remember, let’s call her Tracy. “Tracy” has picked four girls for Tim, and Tim is going to meet them through a screen, so he can’t see them, and he has to immediately eliminate one of the four, based on their 60 second sales pitch. “Tracy” loads her four women onto elevators that will birth them into the Love Arena as if this is the Hunger Games, and gives them some final advice: “Tim is a songwriter, words have meaning to him, so get your message across!” In other words, “Tim understands language! Use language to communicate!” Then, the girls are skyrocketed into the studio:

Here are their shticks, from left to right. GIRL 1 was engaged and her fiance died of skin cancer. GIRL 2 is from France and is French. GIRL 3 is a secret opera singer. GIRL 4 has seen Dumb & Dumber.

French Girl from France recites a poem in Arabic and secretly admits she has a penis.

GIRL 4 quotes Dumb & Dumber by asking Tim if there’s any chance a girl like him would like a guy like her, and Tim laughs and they recite the rest of the scene like an MTV 2 style Who’s On First. French Girl from France is NOT pleased by the banter.

Ted then asks Girl 1 to elaborate on what she meant when she said she had “lost love before.” Girl 1 tells him about her fiance’s death from cancer, and Giluana and Ted’s cancer faces are amazing:

Ted eliminates the secret opera singer. Now it’s time to meet another matchmaker’s picks!!! But first we have to meet the other matchmaker!!!

If I had to guess, I would tell you that this episode of Ready For Love was around 89 years long. 

The second matchmaker is a GUY WHAAAAAAAAT. He is also British WHAAAAAAAT. Let’s all just marry him! British Matchmaker is all “Cheerio! Trolleys jumpers! Paddington bear!” He claims he has worked for the Royal Family, which is a funny way to make us think he set up Will and Kate when really he probably helped Zara Phillip’s horsecomber’s cousin get laid once.

Among his picks is Leah, a girl who knows Tim in real life and is surprising him by throwing her hat into the love race. Don’t worry, Leah is not crazy, she just wrote “I love you so much” in blood on a building.

Totes sane.

While the British matchmaker’s picks stand on stage and try to impress Tim, one of them raps. This never works. She is eliminated, and her elevator goes back down to Hell:

Seriously, Ready For Love has a lot of confusing elements. The overuse of elevators might be #1. Tim can walk freely onto the stage, but all the girls have to be elevatored in and out in weird boxes, like the goat in Jurassic Park. Just like how under the tyrannosaur paddock in Jurassic Park there is an endless maze of goats tied to poles ready to be hoisted through the ground, underneath the Ready For Love stage is a sea of women with big gums and low self-esteem waiting to be loaded into a freight elevator and thrust into stardom. 

The third matchmaker is this woman, and she is insane:

Her claim to fame is that she wrote the Most Viewed Article Ever on the Huffington Post. HOW DID THIS SHOW GET HER AND TIM LOPEZ?! This is almost TOO star-studded!

This crazy person tells us that her son changed her life and she loves him so much. But she doesn’t actually have a son, it’s just that a chunk of hair fell off her head one day and became sentient. Observe:

Tim Lopez picks his three out of Sideshow Bob’s four picks, and surely the show is over. WRONG. There are still six decades to go. 

Tim then takes his nine women on a group date, which is a private The Plain White T’s concert. I AM SO JEALOUS OF THESE WOMEN WHY CAN’T I BE AT A THE PLAIN WHITE T’S CONCERT LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. 

After the concert, the girls separate into their “teams” (which is determined based on which matchmaker chose them from their slave quarters in the middle of the night) and have to write a song to sing with Tim? It’s very embarrassing and they record their song and it’s horrible and at one point text pops up at the bottom of the screen saying the songs are available for download on iTunes and I could hear every aspiring musician contemplate suicide for half a second. It was deafening. And so sad.

After the songs, Leah pulls Tim aside for a private conversation in a recording booth that has all the mics on so everyone hears everything. Leah tells Tim she is ready for love. Ohhhhhh like the SHOW. Tim is like “cool.” He has the personality of an old dish sponge that gave up on life a long time ago. 

Well, now that the date is over, surely the SHOW is coming to a close - OH WAIT THERE’S MORE. Now the girls are brought into the studio to be reprimanded by the matchmakers for not being good enough to land a man.

The second weirdest part of this show, besides the elevators, is the live studio audience. Judging by how long the episode is, the people in the live studio audience were in that soundstage for at least 9 months with no breaks, and this is the first episode, which means they have no idea who these people are. And yet the studio audience cheers as if these women are the Beatles and Giulana Rancic is Ed Sullivan. It’s INSANE. They cheer with great vigor at literally everything.

Anyway, “Tracy” reprimands one of the girls, Hailey, for telling Tim a story that involved her farting. “You said F-A-R-T on a date, and that is something a woman should NEVER do!” Tracy yells. Well, hold on just a second Tracy. What if you’re DYING of farts? You’d have to say the word fart so that your date would know to call a fart doctor. What are you supposed to do, just DIE?! Never say never, Tracy. 

You see, Hailey is too jokey, because she’s a slightly awkward, funny, nice girl. But she’s actually not a slightly awkward, funny, nice girl, she’s ACTUALLY sexy. So she should be herself, which is her sexy exterior, and not her unique interior. The advice that is shouted at her multiple times by her overseers is “Be who you are, Hailey, just not yourself! Be who you REALLY are, which is somebody different!” Hailey nods, knowing she must impress them to stay on the show. “Yes,” she says, “yes.”

Sideshow Bob scolds a girl for being too nice to the other girls. And then, for some reason, Giulana jumps in to yell at Leah for pulling Tim aside for her own private moment. She demands to know if Leah and Tim have slept together in their past, and Leah squirms and refuses to answer because it’s private. “Well you didn’t say no, so that’s a yes!” screams Bill. No one points out that Bill is using the logic of teenage rapists. They are all too busy telling Hailey to shut her mouth unless she’s saying something sexy.

The matchmakers each pick a girl to go to the bottom three, and then Tim must eliminate one of those three. UUUUUUUUGH. 

Also, Tim is an idiot. He has a feather in his pocket and looks like someone took a lame dentist on Queer Eye for a makeover.

Tim decides to save Hailey from elimination. I guess he doesn’t mind the word fart as much as everyone else does. What a super weird dude to not hate a woman for saying the word fart. Well, I guess you can’t help what the fart wants. 

The bottom two, Sarah and Leah, are loaded into their space elevators and sent to “The Garden”, which is underground. The stage layout of this monstrosity is very similar to Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Sarah and Leah make their last minute pleas for mercy from Tim. Tim tells Leah that he thinks they had their chance at love, but it didn’t work for a reason, and he sends her home. Leah tries to protest, but she is tackled by a Temple Guard and doesn’t have a pendant to give him because she and her teammate didn’t move enough buckets of sand from one end of a Slip n Slide to another in the previous round.

Sarah gets BACK on the space elevator and in the studio, Giulana says we’re about to find out who Tim has kept around. Except… we already know that information. Sarah’s elevator shoots up and the crowd. goes. WILD. 

We get a glimpse at the upcoming season and see that all of the women are stored in a shoe rack:

This. show. is. garbage.

The next Bachelorette will be either Desiree or Sarah. I was holding out for Lesley, President of the United States and Resident Bachelor Comedian, but the fact that she wasn’t called up to the Hot Seat on last night’s sadness juggernaut and forced to crumble into tears at Chris Harrison’s hand does not bode well for her chances. Desiree and Sarah, though, appeared to be sufficiently broken and humiliated, which are two great qualities for a Bachelorette. The best way to get over the subtle implication that a blandly attractive woman is getting meat-trained by 25 men on national television in the name of romance is to portray that woman as a broken-hearted lamb who was wronged by a treacherous villain who was once our hero. Cycles, man. They’re crazy. 

Twitter is awful. Throughout the show, a ticker of Bachelor tweets ran along the bottom of the screen, which was great, because if there’s one downside about Twitter, it’s that it isn’t everywhere. Give me Twitter or give me death. I can’t wait until Twitter is just broadcast directly into my brain so I can always know what hilarious gems @SeanLowesAbz and @TierraCot and @TierrasEyebrow are barely typing. 

Someone at ABC recently enjoyed binge-watching The Larry Sanders Show on Netflix! Last night’s Women Tell All, a candle-studded two-hour interview extravaganza, featured several behind-the-scenes moments that lifted the curtain and allowed us to see a few more minutes of the fast-paced, highly intellectual battle of wits between Sean and Ashlee, otherwise known as the “I didn’t say that!”/”You said that.” 20 Minute Primetime Bickerfest. I bet if you were able to travel back in time and show the 20 minute segment of “I didn’t say that!”/”You said that.” to Philo Farnsworth, who is credited as “the inventor of television”, he would instantly kill himself in shame. 

Tierra needs detailed directions on how to walk into a room. One of the other “behind-the-scenes” moments featured some poor AD showing Tierra a MAP of the stage and pointing to where she was going to sit. I’m pretty sure if you took a baby horse, blindfolded it, spun it around 10 times, and then let it loose on the studio, it would be more entertaining than this. But it would also probably figure out where it’s supposed to sit. How about you look for literally the only empty chair. 

Some ABC executive is a sick sexual deviant. Whoever is in charge of Sean’s shirtlessness needs to step forward and publicly explain him or herself. Between the several softcore porn exercise montages and the final moments of Sean Tells All which was just a long shot of him showering - SHOWERING! - and then all of the shirtless stuff in The Women Tell All, this is starting to feel like the smutty dregs of Bachelor Pad. Isn’t Sean supposed to be Wholesome and Kind? It’s not very wholesome to rip off your shirt when you go crash a Bachelor viewing party in a crowded sorority living room and then pose for pictures with some barely legals. You’re a stripper, Sean. You showered on national television and it was underscored by the soundtrack of This Is A Porn: Porn 69. If Sean were my fiance, I’d probably be dead from all the bugs he forced me to eat, but if I weren’t dead, I would be very embarrassed. An almost 30-year-old man should be able to be on television for two hours without taking his shirt off and slowly rubbing water on himself.

All conspiracies are real. On last night’s Women Tell All, Chris Harrison dragged Tierra onstage to publicly shame her into answering for her sins. The studio audience pelted her with eggs and dead rats, viciously booing her and slurring accusations of witchcraft. “I saw Goody Tierra dancing with the devil!” they screeched. “Burn her!” They chanted. But Proctor Harrison is a kind and godly man, and he would not sentence Tierra to death without a fair trial, so he allowed her to sit uponst the Hot Seat and face her accusers - a sea of dental hygienists and professional organizers. Alas, Tierra did not see reason, and continued to paint herself a victim. Proctor Harrison clucked his tongue, knowing her fate if she did not apologize. Surely this was staged! No Good Christian Woman could be as evil as this Nissan Ex-Tierra, an ungodly hybrid of Woman and sensible MPG. In an effort to garner good favor, Tierra flashed an enormous engagement ring, crafted by the smarmy blacksmith Neil Lane. “Is this a hoax?” demanded Proctor Harrison, calling upon all the evidence presented by Mr. Us Weekly. “No!” squeaked the Nissan Ex-Tierra, “It’s real, I swear it! My betrothed just lives in the next settlement over! You wouldn’t know him, he goes to a different Church!” Proctor Harrison believed this, and so did everyone else, because all Proctor Harrison has to do to assuage the commoners is confront the accused with a rumor, and have it monosyllabically denied, and then all is well. The Nissan Ex-Tierra is really engaged (I hope wherever they register has an excellent return policy) and she really was not a plant.

The word “blooper” has no meaning anymore. The only real blooper we saw in the blooper reel was a shot of Sean falling off his bike. Which was great and is something I will get tattooed on my husband’s face so it’s the last thing I see before I go to sleep and the first thing I see when I wake up. (This is a warning to all potential husbands out there.) The other bloopers included Sean just not knowing how to drive stick (shouldn’t The Ultimate Man of Kind and Good Heart know how to do everything?), and Jackie being scared of a duck. A DUCK. Look, I’m irrationally scared of pigeons so I can’t really judge, but on the other hand, it’s a duck. Pigeons at least carry diseases and if one even grazes your ankle you will die of syphilis, but what is a duck going to do? Your taxes? Take a xanax, Jackie.

Next week’s finale will be three hours long. Three hours long, you guys. Cloud Atlas, Titanic, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The Bachelor season finale. All three hours long. THREE HOURS. I suspect two hours and fifty eight minutes of that is spent watching Sean struggle to sound out the letter Chris Harrison hands him at the Proposal/Dumping Altar, because I’m not entirely convinced he knows how to read. 

Is it always raining in Thailand? Or did the Bachelor just go there in the offseason in an effort to keep costs low? It rained on all three dates! So either it A) is always raining in Thailand, B) is the rainy season and the Bachelor is cheap or C) God heartily disapproves of this grand experiment and is weeping over the death of love.

We start our whirlwind Thailand tour with Lindsay, a slack-jawed, unemployed kitten who was turned into a human to help Cinderella get ready for the Ball but was too inept to do anything and was let go. It’s always telling what the women’s “things” are. For example, Lesley’s “thing” was politics, because she was President of the United States. Sarah’s “thing” was having one arm, because what else would her thing be? I mean, she has only one arm! Ashlee’s thing is “being adopted”, which is a VERY sad thing to have be your only thing when you are 32-years-old. I don’t mean to sound insensitive but get over it? You might remember that KCB’s “thing”, which we learned from her time on Ben’s season, was baton-twirling. Lindsay is the KCB of Sean’s season (I know this is a confusing metaphor because KCB was also in Sean’s season, but that actually wasn’t KCB, that was the hardened shell of KCB that now roams the Earth, empty and shaking, looking for revenge). Lindsay doesn’t have a job, so her “thing” is just that her dad is in the Army. That’s it! No hobbies, no likes, no dislikes, just her dad is in the Army. Not a lot going on in that head of Lindsay’s! But we knew that, based on her first appearance on the show, when she was kaslammered and wearing a wedding dress. Remember that? Well now that she’s (spoiler) in the final two…

Fun!

White Sean takes Dumb Lindsay for a walk around a market in Thailand, and they have a pleasant time until he forces her to eat bugs. You see, Dumb Lindsay REALLY did not want to eat bugs, and she made the dumb mistake of telling her pseudo-boyfriend that she did not want to eat bugs, so now she has to eat bugs. By the terrified look in her eyes, you can tell that she knows that if she refuses to eat the bugs, she risks being sent home. My mom always said that healthy relationships are based on the constant threat of abandonment. 

Lindsay really enjoys eating the bugs!

She even washed it (it being her vomit) down with a Bug Slurpee.

But now that she has eaten a handful of larvae, she has proven that she loves Sean. Great!

Next, they go to a beach and Sean takes Lindsay to meet his family. It doesn’t go great!

They then go to dinner, and Lindsay is the first of three recipients of Sean’s rambling “No sex in the Fantasy Suite” soliloquy. You see, Sean is a “virgin”, so his Fantasy Suite is just a camera-less room full of conversation, math, and platefuls of bugs to force women to eat to prove that they love him. So each time that Sean extended an invitation to the Fantasy Suite, he had to preface it with a lengthy disclaimer that he would not be expecting any funny business. It was a pretty hilarious situation to watch unfold, as everyone had to suddenly distance themselves from the smutty Fantasy Suite image that we have come to expect after 17 seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelorette. It really felt like the entire Bachelor franchise suddenly hated itself. “Yeah, that Fantasy Suite thing is totally gross! Way to be not gross about it, Sean!”

The next morning, White Sean takes out ANTZlee. In case ANTZ is not as universal a reference as I imagine it to be, here is a side by side comparison:

ANTZlee doesn’t “do caves”, so naturally, White Sean takes her to a cave. She is very nervous, which actually isn’t so crazy because White Sean reveals himself multiple times to have no idea what he is doing or where he is going, and they get lost inside a pitch black cave like some extras from The Descent.

ANTZlee really doesn’t like the cave because ADOPTED but they finally get through it to a beautiful private beach and ANTZlee is happy because ADOPTED ADOPTED. (Her words, not mine!)

The next day, White Sean takes out Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years, also known as “Catherine”. They have a very normal date and White Sean doesn’t force her to face any of her fears. He must really hate her! Not forcing her to eat bugs or explore dark caves against her will! Oof, I do NOT like your chances, Catherine.

Later, White Sean sits down with his mentor and savior, (Jesus) Chris(t) Harrison. White Sean says that he can see his wife here, which is a nonsense way of saying “I’m an idiot.” The Bachelor always refers to “his wife” as if it’s a ghost-like orb. Around Week 4, they say they can see their wife in this room, which just means the hair on the back of their neck stands up and dogs bark at a corner even though there’s nothing there and then when you walk over to the corner it’s super cold OH NO MY WIFE IS IN THIS ROOM! And then when they finally are ready to propose, it just means that the Wife Orb possessed one of the women, and it will stay there for a few months until it is no longer contractually obligated to. That’s all that means. Also, Sean, clean your shoes.

All three women have prepared video statements for White Sean. Lindsay’s is just three hours of her vomiting bugs.

Wait, you guys, let’s play a fun game. Let’s see if you can guess who Sean is sending home this week based on Sean’s face while watching their video messages:

Here is that blatant disappointment and displeasure from another angle:

So yes, Ashlee is sent home, because she is very serious and only talks about her abandonment issues stemming from her adoption and told Sean she was broken until he made her whole, which is a great thing to tell a person. “The only thing keeping me from committing a mass murder is you. So no, you can’t have a ‘Guy’s Night’.” 

Someone must have told Ashlee that Sean broke up with her because of her seriousness, because in the limo she sneered “This wasn’t a silly game to me. This wasn’t about a joy ride, about laughing and joking, or having fun.” The words “laughter”, “joking”, and “fun” were sniped with such derision that this clip could be used as evidence against her in a criminal trial. “Uhhhhh, have you seen her say the word ‘fun’?” - Lawyer

Goodbye Ashlee! Please don’t murder me!

Sometimes I wish we lived in a perfect universe where the episodes of the Bachelor were just the “Coming up…” segments pieced together into a 40 minute show. (Obviously, in a perfect universe, The Bachelor is not two hours long every week. Fun Fact: one episode of The Bachelor is 20 minutes longer than The Wizard of Oz!) 

But if you just had a supercut of the “Coming up…”s, it would be the best show on TV hands down. Last season on Bachelor Pad, the “Coming up…”s tried to convince us that someone was MURDERED. They showed a person walking around clutching a steak knife and the audio was a woman screaming over ominous music. But then, eight episodes later, we find out that Kalon grabbed a steak knife because he was really drunk and threatening to stab a mouse. Earlier in this season, the “Coming up…”s led us to believe that the Nissan Ex-Tierra was thrown down a flight of stairs by one of her competitors, because it showed her in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, and then being loaded into an ambulance, sobbing “HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME?! I HOPE THE GIRLS ARE HAPPY!” But really, that audio came in this week’s episode, during another Tierra Breakdown™ that I had trouble understanding despite the fact that English is my first language and she was speaking English.

Anyway, this week starts with our lovely ladies arriving in St. Croix, which is curiously abandoned. How come everywhere they go on this show is abandoned? I mean, sure, it’s probably the offseason, but I’m beginning to think ABC sends a crew ahead to trap all the locals in a basement somewhere. I mean, this is the view from their suite:

SO MANY CHAIRS. NO PEOPLE. This is like a promo for NBC’s Revolution.

All the girls pick their beds, but Tierra claims she doesn’t want to share a bed with anyone so she sets up a cot in the living room LIKE AN ADULT.

“I want my own space, so I will set up a cot in a common area, where I will have no privacy.”

Ellen Pompeo gets the first one-on-one date. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not Ellen Pompeo, it’s the movie ANTZ. Tierra hates the movie ANTZ, because it is 32-years-old, and she thinks it’s pathetic that a 32-year-old ANTZ wouldn’t have a husband by now. Someone should probably make sure Tierra has not been murdered by literally every single woman on Earth.

White Sean takes ANTZ out on a boat ride, and then they hang out on a beach, and then walk into the water:

Only to be immediately spit out of the ocean.

“IF NONE OF MY MERMAID DAUGHTERS ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SEAN, I DO NOT WANT HIM IN MY OCEAN!” King Triton bellowed, before summoning a massive wave to knock White Sean and ANTZ-Lee back to the shore. But joke’s on King Triton! They landed on top of each other and had a gross make-out!

Speaking of massive waves, back at the hotel the rest of the girls have a pow-wow to trash talk Tierra on the set of The Impossible.

I really think that the only explanation for the complete lack of civilization, all of that debris, and those mismatched chairs, is that a tsunami recently devastated the island.

At dinner, ANTZ-Lee is freaking out because she has one more secret to tell White Sean, and it is a doozy. She builds it up so much that the people I was watching with threw out these theories as actual possibilities:

She got pregnant in high school and gave the baby up

She got pregnant in high school and had an abortion

She murdered her parents

She’s not really adopted

But really, the secret was that she got married when she was 17 and a junior in high school, and then “we were divorced by senior year.” HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA. “Omg, Ashlee, I totally just saw your husband flirting with Rachel in Chem. You should DIVORCE him.” 

ANTZ-Lee, no longer burdened by her secret, climbs on top of her chair to yell out “HELLO ST. CROIX!” because she saw Garden State recently and wrote down in her journal “Reminder: guys love when girls just yell things sometimes.” She then gives White Sean this weird little look, as if she’s about to yell:

But she actually yells “I LOVE SEAN!”, which is what she - a 32-year-old woman - deemed an appropriate manner to say “I love you.” 

Oh, yeah, and also on this date, White Sean asked ANTZlee what was going on with Tierra in the house, and ANTZlee told him about how much of a bitch Tierra is.

The next day, it’s time to take the Nissan Ex-Tierra for a spin on St. Croix! She is upset because her date card implies that she will not get to go on a boat, and she LOVES boats. But instead, White Sean takes Tierra out for a walk around St. Croix, just hangin’ out and buyin’ stuff. They also encounter a sad little parade! Who said that the Bachelor franchise never features minorities? 

Tierra LOVES the parade, and White Sean loves how much Tierra loves the parade, so he buys her a Sno-Cone. Over Sno-Cones, White Sean asks Tierra about the girls in the house, and Tierra explains that she’s a special flower or whatever bullshit I just don’t even care about the garbage that dribbles out of her mouth, and White Sean just sort of nods.

The next morning, White Sean shows up to take Catherine, Lindsay, and Desiree out for their group date, but he storms in at 4:00am to surprise them and take their pictures. If there’s one quality I REALLY LOVE about a guy, it’s a total lack of respect for my personal space and a willingness to take Polaroids of me that look like Polaroids a kidnapper would release with a ransom note.

HAHAHAHAHA JOKE’S ON YOU CATHERINE! YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE SLEEPING!

The girls have only five minutes to get ready, which is actually plenty of time, so let’s all just relax. White Sean then drives them to the Eastern side of the island, which is the Easternmost part of the US, so they are the first four people to see the sunrise in the US (except for the dozens of crewmembers that are standing right behind them.) Then, they hop back in the car and drive across the island to see the sunset. At their first stop, which is around 10:30am, White Sean rushes them because they’ve got to get to the other side by sunset and they’re only halfway. IF YOU ARE HALFWAY AT 10:30AM I THINK YOU WILL BE FINE, SEAN. 

This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about.

They get to the sunset beach with plenty of time, so they go swimming, and all of a sudden, those 5 minutes to get ready maybe seem like they’re not enough.

White Sean gives Lindsay the rose, meaning that Lindsay - who showed up wasted in a wedding dress on the first night and kiss-raped Sean twice - is going to bring Sean home to meet her family. The girls then gather around Sean to watch the sunset, but they can’t, because the sun is gone, because even THE SUN was like “This is boring bye.”

The next day, White Sean takes President Lesley out for a date. She is awkward and White Sean doesn’t like it.

Later, at the house, Tierra confronts ANTZlee about trashing her in front of Sean, and they get in a fight that is so stupid I’m worried if I try to recap it my brain will leave me and go find someone else who will let it think about better things. The fight is REAAAAAAAAAAL stupid. Tierra yells things like “I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW!” and “I CAN’T CONTROL WHAT’S ON MY FACE 24/7! I WISH I COULD! BUT I CAN’T!” and “[MY PARENTS] SAID - THEY SAID - TIERRA YOU HAVE A SPARKLE, YOU HAVE A SPARKLE AND DO NOT LET THOSE OTHER GIRLS TAKE YOUR SPARKLE AWAY!” Wait! My brain! Come back! I swear I’ll stop talking about it.

Meanwhile, White Sean has flown his sister to St. Croix for a heart to heart. These heart to hearts are usually had with Chris Harrison, who has been suspiciously light this season. Do he and White Sean not get along? Since Chris Harrison is the Lord, and White Sean is his Jesus, I would think they’d get along great but maybe it’s just like too many cooks in the kitchen, you know? 

Anyway, Sean’s sister is a big fan of The Bachelor and she knows alllllllllll about it. Sean tells her about the drama with Tierra, and she makes this face:

Which is either the face of “I know EXACTLY what that means and she is bad news.” or the face of “I have soiled myself. Will the cameras notice?”

White Sean decides he will go get Tierra, drag her to the beach, and force her to answer for her sins. If there’s one thing I REALLY REALLY love about a guy it’s his willingness to subject me to public trial. 

White Sean goes to get Tierra, but she has just finished up screaming about her facial muscles and is trying to make herself cry on her cot. I guess she really CAN’T control her face, because when she pretends to cry, no tears ever come out. It’s almost as if her face is a little bit smarter than she is and actively resists doing the stupid stuff she wants it to do. Kind of like my brain. GET BACK HERE BRAIN WE’RE SO CLOSE TO FINISHED I SWEAR I’LL TAKE YOU TO A MUSEUM AFTER THIS I’LL EVEN BUY YOU A PUZZLE

Anyway, White Sean shows up and Tierra is “crying”. He tells her he wanted to bring her to meet his sister, and she “cries” even “harder”. 

White Sean decides it is best for Tierra to go home, possibly because he doesn’t see her as a wife, but probably because she’s an ABC plant and has no family, she’s just a stupid robot designed to drive up ratings by throwing herself down a flight of stairs and getting hypothermia. 

Tierra leaves, and the sound guy is unfazed.

“Dude, where’s that van going?” - Sound Guy

White Sean cancels the cocktail party, and he doesn’t even have the decency to let Chris Harrison make the announcement. Sean really has a God complex.

ANTZlee is freaking out because she was involved in the drama, but ultimately, White Sean keeps her. President Lesley is not elected for a second term, and she is sent home. She cries a little bit, but Catherine starts crying A LOT. She claims between weeps that she thought Lesley had way more in common with Sean than she did, and now she has no idea what Sean even wants and is terrified that it’s her? “I thought I was in a safe second place, but *sob sob* oh god, what if I *sob sob* win?!” 

Next week, HOMETOWNS! It’ll be weird to see where ANTZlee is from, because I’ve always wanted to see the inside of DreamWorks Animation Studios. I wonder if Jeffrey Katzenberg will like Sean! I bet he won’t give his blessing.

Okay you guys, I dropped the ball. I didn’t see either episode of The Bachelor last week. I KNOW. It’s funny, though, I didn’t see them because I was in the process of moving and my new apartment didn’t have TV or internet. You see, my boyfriend and I just moved into a new place together. We’ve been dating for almost four and a half years, after being friends for about a year, and I know what you’re thinking: if he didn’t propose to me with a Neil Lane engagement ring after six weeks of courtship in varying tropical locales, our relationship is NOT REAL and I’m going to wind up a disgusting 32-year-old crone, my brain crippled by loneliness. I guess that’s just the risk I have to take, by investing more time in this boyfriend, who is perfectly nice. I DO wish he would construct more elaborate ruses that are designed to make me feel genuine fear, only so that he could swoop in and demonstrate his strong-armed bravery, but sometimes you just have to settle. 

It seems that ABC decided to punish me for not watching by packing the episodes with a seemingly unbearable carnival of tragedy. Apparently Catherine, a stranger who wandered into the Bachelor house last week off the set of The Wonder Years where she is hard at work playing the role of Winnie Cooper - witnessed her best friend’s death in a freak accident when she was 12 and went hiking and a tree fell and killed her friend instantly. That is honestly the most horrific thing I think I’ve ever heard. The only thing that could make that sadder is if the tree had said “oops” afterwards, and revealed itself to be a sentient tree that just dozed off for a second, and it’s like TREE! You just KILLED SOMEBODY! Please be more careful when you are tired! 

But really, that’s the worst thing ever. Surely that must have been the saddest thing that happened last week? OH WAIT SARAH WAS SENT HOME.

Now, we’ve all been long dreading the inevitable exit of Sarah, who I actually grew to love. Yes, she is cursed with the most annoying voice in the world and it makes her sound stupid and awful. But she pretty hilariously would always find herself sitting next to Tierra or Robyn or Amanda when they were engaged in weird drama, and she would just sit there and stare at them while everyone else left, and it was always so funny. She would just stare at them like they were so stupid and be like “What is even happening?” in such a way that made me want to have brunch with her one day after a raucous party where all of our friends made bad decisions.

I googled “Sarah Bachelor sent home crying” to find a picture of her to include here, but it turned up a lot of pictures of Sarah, the Tim Burton Cartoon Rat from Bachelor Pad, so I had to be more specific and type “Sarah one arm Bachelor crying”, which probably just sealed the deal on me going straight to hell when I die. It turned up some INCREDIBLE pictures, the best of which being:

AND

Let’s also just take a moment right now to reflect on how terrible that picture of White Sean is. It looks like he was just inflated to the absolute maximum capacity of air, and it also looks like his thigh was just stung by ten million bees. WHY DIDN’T THEY PHOTOSHOP OUT HIS REDNESS? And look, I know that White Sean is considered to be very handsome, and sure, I guess I can see it, I just wish he had eyelids. And I wish his eyebrows were made out of hair instead of skin. And also his hair, his hair should be hair and not just dyed bristles from a toothbrush. Maybe then I would swoon. Til then? Not swooning.

Another big ticket item from last week’s four hour Bachelorganza was that Tierra faked having hypothermia. In this season, Tierra has faked throwing herself down the stairs, yelled at paramedics, gotten in fights that I find confusing to follow even though English is my first language, and eaten like, a dozen bagels. She is the only person I’ve ever seen eat on this show, except for Nick, the stranger ghost who won Bachelor Pad, so I guess it stands to reason that the food is poisoned. I don’t really know why White Sean has kept the Nissan Ex-Tierra around for so long. One possible explanation is that she is a plant, put there by producers to stir up some drama and remind us all of the glory days of Courtney, who was Evil Incarnate. The other possible explanation is the universe isn’t real and this is just some dream we’re all having and every night when we go to sleep, we return to our actual reality, which is being slave cogs in an alien machine or whatever the plot of The Matrix is. 

Tierra also somehow crashed a group date, or something. Apparently there was another competitive group date, and the losing team was sent home while the winning team was awarded with more quality time with their Ultimate Protector, Jesus. Sorry, “Sean”. “Sean” decided, though, that it isn’t fair to have a lesser shot at love just because you aren’t as naturally good at carrying hay from one arbitrary place to another arbitrary place as some of the other girls, so he allowed the losing team to rejoin him and the winning team for the second part of the date, which is - just saying - EXACTLY what Jesus would do. 

Tierra followed the losing team to the group date and surprised White Sean there (as well as you can surprise an omnipotent being that sees all because his eyes are never closed because he has no eyelids). She is definitely NOT supposed to be there but the Nissan Ex-Tierra is very good at off-roading, so. WHAT A BITCH.

I don’t know if I’m missing anything. It looks like Robyn went home, and then also that girl Jackie who was the last one standing of the women who showed up on the first night dressed like mermaids. Sorry mermaids! Not your year. Looks like all that hand-wringing and begging to King Triton was for nothing. And then Sarah was sent home in the middle of a group date, because White Sean thought that would be nicer than making her wait for a rose ceremony, seemingly forgetting that she would then have to go tearfully explain to everyone why she was packing up her bags early. “I don’t want to put you through the expected turmoil of leaving at an appropriate time, so please, just go now and explain your teary situation to the women who I deem better than you.” But, perhaps my mortal mind is just too limited to be able to see how this was in Sarah’s best interest, because, after all, White Sean does know best.

Look, I get it. White Sean is very muscular. But do we really have to start every episode with a shot of him shirtless? The soft-core, late-night Cinemax-quality exercise montages were one thing, but now we’re just watching him from a low angle as he picks out clothes in his underwear?

Also, White Sean? Quick question for you:

Everything is short-sleeved.

Anyway, now that we got the butt shot we all definitely wanted and needed, it is time to take Salma Hayek on a date.

Oh, I’m sorry Leslie. It’s just that… you’re more of a 4th commercial break date, if you know what I’m saying. 

Sean takes Salma Hayek to a private jet, and despite the fact that they are both wearing gym clothes, Salma Hayek thinks that the jet will take them to a very luxurious place. Sure. Like an upper level 24 Hour Fitness? 

Salma Hayek really can’t believe she’s on a private plane, which is so weird, because isn’t she married to a billionaire? I guess not anymore, now that she’s on the Bachelor, but she keeps saying that she doesn’t even know if this is real. You know what that means?

Salma Hayek and White Sean get off the plane in Joshua Tree, the Shrooms Capital of America. Salma Hayek turns to White Sean to ask what they are doing there, but White Sean has already turned into a fire-breathing sandwich dragon, on account of the shrooms that had been INCEPTED into Salma Hayek’s brain.

Salma Hayek is not very happy to be in the desert, because, HER WORDS, she’s Iraqi. Judging by how sensitively ABC has handled the whole “girl with one arm” situation, I was pleasantly surprised that they did not include a Wilhelm scream sound effect after she said that.

White Sean and Salma Hayek rock climb up a large rock formation. It’s all going great until Cillian Murphy’s militarized dream guards shoot at them and Marion Cotillard sends a train barreling through the mountain DAMN IT COBB YOU LIED TO US!

Luckily they make it to the top, where they lounge in their totally unflattering harnesses.

Also, at one point on this date Salma Hayek said that she weighed 110 pounds. To which I reply, “Shyeah. In your BRA.”

White Sean takes Salma Hayek to an upscale, boutique trailer park hotel because the culture monster has finally started just eating itself. They cuddle together, and Salma Hayek explains that because she is Muslim (“AAAAAH!”) she is very private about her relationships, and she won’t kiss White Sean on national TV, at least not until she is the only girl White Sean is kissing. I genuinely really admire that and wish Salma Hayek the best of luck not crying when she is eliminated next week for not putting out.

Next up is the group date!!! Here is a glimpse of what happens:

Everyone gets hurt.

You see, White Sean thought it would be fun to have the girls do roller derby, a notoriously violent and dangerous sport that breaks everybody’s bones. Great idea!!!!!! Sarah, the girl with one arm, is also on this date, and she starts roller skating around  to prepare for the derby - where she will be knocked against walls and pulled down and trampled by her new friends because it’s very hard to skate fast and steady when you have only one arm - but she keeps falling down and finally decides that maybe it’s best if she just sits out. This leads to a long montage of first AshLee and then White Sean telling Sarah that she can do this because she is such a strong person who can do anything. To which I reply:

IT’S NOT LIKE SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SKATE BECAUSE SHE HAS CRAMPS OR SOMETHING, IT’S JUST A SIMPLE FACT THAT A GIRL WITH ONE ARM WILL NOT BE IMMEDIATELY AS GOOD AT ROLLER SKATING AS A PERSON WITH TWO ARMS. SURE, IF SARAH WANTED TO BE A ROLLER DERBY CHAMPION SHE COULD TRAIN AND TRAIN AND PROVE THAT SHE CAN SKATE JUST AS WELL AS ANYONE ELSE AND IT WOULD BE VERY INSPIRING BUT SHE’S JUST AN ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE WHO IS BEING ASKED TO ROLLER SKATE FOR PROBABLY THE ONLY TIME IN HER LIFE AND SHE WILL DEFINITELY GET REALLY HURT IN A ROLLER DERBY SITUATION, OR SHE WON’T, BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL GO VERY EASY ON HER, AND IT WILL BE VERY SAD/WEIRD TO WATCH.

Also, maybe AshLee isn’t the best person to take advice from? I mean, look at her:

I shouldn’t be mean, though, I’m a big fan of AshLee’s. I LOVED her in Antz.

But luckily the roller derby doesn’t happen, because Amanda falls on her chin and is taken to the hospital. (That’s the second time a girl has had to be taken to the hospital, but only the first time that she went, since Nissan Ex-Tierra refused to go last week and is now permanently concussed.)

White Sean decides that the roller derby is a bad idea, after seeing what Mr. Floor did to Amanda’s jaw. He tells the girls they are just going to have a free skate, and they rejoice. “Master Sean has shown us mercy, he has!” They squeal. “What kindness he has bestowed!”

Later, at the cocktail party, White Sean wears a blazer over a windbreaker.

WHAT? Completing this look is a BATHING SUIT. What’s even happening?

Amanda shows up halfway through the party dressed as if she is an extra on the set of Suddenly Susan. She tries to play the pity card to get the rose, but White Sean is not having it. Meanwhile, something happens with the Nissan Ex-Tierra. It’s hard to make out what she’s saying, because she damaged her brain, but something something she’s evil something something she wants to go home. She corners White Sean and cries about - I honestly don’t know what - and White Sean gives her the rose to prove that he wants her to stay. The other girls are all sorts of mad. “This is crazy!” is what Amanda would say, if her jaw worked anymore.

The next day, Leslie finally gets to go on her one-on-one date. The whole thing feels like driving your old dog to the vet to put him down. He doesn’t know, but you do: this is it.

White Sean takes Leslie on a “Pretty Woman-themed” date, meaning he forces Leslie into prostitution and then rescues her, but then Jason Alexander tries to rape her, so White Sean rescues her again. White Sean tells us that “every woman always talks about the movie Pretty Woman” which I don’t think is true, and it’s weird because I don’t think White Sean has ever seen a movie. Or even knows what they are. 

White Sean takes Leslie SHAPPIN’ for a new dress, new shoes, and a purse, which is maybe the worst date ever. But luckily it gives us some time with my favorite person:

Neil, you dog! You’re getting so much screen time in these later seasons, now that you’re not just reserved to helping the Bachelor pick out his engagement ring in the finale. Kudos to your agent for making you a series regular!

White Sean takes Leslie to dinner, where she is very annoying. Leslie seems nice enough, but also super lame. She says twice, TWICE, “Holy ____, Batman!” First she said it about the diamond earrings she was given, and the second time I didn’t catch what she said and I almost rewound but then I had a serious check-in with myself about how I was spending my time and didn’t. But she said it. And, I’m sure someone will love that about Leslie one day but it’s not White Sean. Or me. Or America. And Leslie is sent home.

The cocktail party is lamesnoozebore. More things happen with the Nissan Ex-Tierra being a bitch storyline, but I don’t really follow. 

It’s time for the rose ceremony!!!!!!!!!! Everyone gets a rose except for, hilariously, Amanda. 

“How was your time on The Bachelor, Amanda?”

“Well, I came across as really mean and schizophrenic on account of how my face looked completely different every time I was on screen, and then I was bragging about what a good roller-skater I am but then I fell and landed on my mouth and went to the hospital alone and then I came back and was immediately dumped.”

Next week, this happens:

HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO BE TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL ON WHITE SEAN’S QUEST FOR TEMPORARY LOVE?!