1. After eating breakfast at Denny’s, procuring a machine gun, and retrieving the ricin vial, Walt goes after the Nazis but is immediately thwarted. Walt was so blinded by rage that he didn’t realize the consequence of eating breakfast at Denny’s: debilitating diarrhea. After absolutely destroying a gas station toilet, Walt eats the ricin himself. Dies. Executive Producer Vince Gilligan.
2. During a cook, Jesse remembers a bit of chemistry he learned from Walt and plans to improperly mix two ingredients so that they create toxic gas, which will kill both him and Landry. Right before he is about to do it, his lactose intolerance punishes him for eating so much ice cream and he is overcome by severe stomach cramps and flatulence. Disgusted, Todd kills him. Executive Producer Vince Gilligan.
3. Despondent over losing her husband, Marie vows to get revenge on Skyler for hiding the truth about Walt all this time. Marie prepares a casserole for Skyler and spikes it with saxitoxin, a deadly poison. She brings it over to Skyler’s house but is unable to keep Flynn from taking a bite. Fortunately, Marie got the dosage wrong and Flynn survives, but with, like, reaaaaal bad diarrhea. Executive Producer Vince Gilligan.
4. Holly is a baby. She gets diarrhea all the time. Executive Producer Vince Gilligan.
5. This one is a little out there. Walt returns to Albuquerque hellbent on revenge, eager to reclaim the blue meth as his own legacy and ready to kill Lydia, Uncle Jack and the Ice Cream Nazis: Live at the Coyote Saloon This Tuesday, and Jesse, so that blue meth will die with Heisenberg. He uses the ricin to poison Gretchen Schwartz, and then goes to the Nazi Clubhouse guns ablazing and kills everyone. Just when he thinks he is safe, Jesse appears behind him and shoots him in the head. Jesse steals all the remaining money that Uncle Jack and the Electric Mayhem have not yet spent on ice cream and brings it to Brock. Finally free from Heisenberg, Jesse breathes a sigh of relief and wonders how he can go on. But he is so scarred from everything that has happened to him that he can’t poop. And he dies from waste build-up. Executive Producer Vince Gilligan.
Last night, I caught a glimpse of the Food Network’s newest cooking competition show. I think it was called Rachaeaeal vs. Man: Kids Cook-Off, or something. Rachaeaeal vs. Man: Kids Cook-Off features children (children) competing for their own Food Network web series. Now, we’ve all agreed, as a society, that children should not work jobs. And I know that hosting a web series for the Food Network is probably not that hard, in fact, I’m pretty sure Alton Brown has been asleep for 100 years and that seems to work out just fine. But, I still don’t think kids should be hosting their own entertainment programs. Because even if the kid’s job is just standing on a soundstage making soup, someone still has to explain to that kid that he has to do a REALLY good job making that soup or else he doesn’t get to make any more soup and all of these nice people helping him make soup will have to find new jobs. MAYBE JUST GO PLAY SOCCER KIDS
It’s pretty gross that a bunch of ADULTS somewhere were like “You know what the Food Network REALLY needs? A bunch of children in a high-pressure televised competition that is sure to either dangerously inflate or ruthlessly shatter their self-esteem!” And then EVEN MORE ADULTS were like “YES YES YES YES YES YES WHAT WILL THE PRIZE BE?!” and then EVEN MORE ADULTS were like “I KNOW I KNOW LET’S GIVE THEM THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BRANDING THEMSELVES.” And then probably all of those adults high-fived their hands raw.
Now, take a deep breath, because it’s about to get even crazier.
THIS IS NOT THE ONLY KIDS COOKING COMPETITION THAT WILL BE ON TV THIS FALL. I MEAN, WERE EVERYONE’S BRAINS REPLACED WITH BAD SOUP!?!??!?!??!?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!??!?!
The other kids cooking competition is Junior Masterchef, and it’s hosted by Gordon Ramsey. You know Gordon Ramsey, that nice man who screams at people? That friendly-looking guy who calls people donkeys and throws plates when he doesn’t like the food that’s on them? That caring father figure with a well-documented rage problem?
Mr. Gordon Ramsey’s Neighborhood Kitchen for Tots & Tykes!
Seems like a fun show!
Anyway, back to Rachael Roy and Man Firey.
All of the children (children) meet in the kitchen and make their “signature dish.” LOL THEY ARE ZYGOTES. I’m sure that these kids are better chefs than I am, and they are all pretty great. The only thing that keeps this whole thing from being adorable is all of the adults that are financially benefiting from this orchestrated exploitation of children. Rachael and Man scoff - SCOFF - at a lispy ten year old who says that he’s been working on his stuffed french toast recipe since he was five. THEY SCOFF. As if they are aware of how ridiculous this is. And if they are aware, that means that everyone knows this is all just for the novelty, which means a bunch of children (children) are GOING TO CRY ACTUAL TEARS and FORM ACTUAL ENEMIES because the Food Network wanted a ratings boost.
Now, just in case you were worried about these children (children) and wondering where their parents are, the show makes a point of the fact that their parents are right there, watching them from the next room, nervously wringing their hands as their children make questionable flavor choices and appear stiff on camera when tasked with presenting their dish. THAT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN IF THEIR PARENTS JUST SOLD THEM TO THE FOOD NETWORK. It creates the illusion that their entire families are trapped in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory prison cell and they will only be freed if their kid wins a Food Network web series.
The kids are divided into teams and then they receive a televised message from Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama. MICHELLE OBAMA. I mean, I get it. But also, WHAT?!?!?
Getting kids to eat healthy is definitely a noble and worthwhile goal, and it’s pretty cool to learn that there are kids out there who have devoted themselves to a craft at such a young age, and are following their passions and developing amazing talents. I’m on board with all of that. BUT ALSO NO THANKS.
(Also between Michelle Obama’s video message here and her video message at the Oscars, is she a hologram?!??!?!)
Reality TV competitions are an emotionally strenuous trudge through high-pressure challenges that test competitors’ mental stability. They are asked to complete tasks that are made intentionally tricky and difficult, and then are subjected to harsh scrutiny from their sometimes-stern sometimes-warm judges/mentors. Adults struggle on these shows and frequently crack under the pressure. This is not an environment for children, even if the competition has been watered down. Because even if you take away all the tricks of normal cooking shows (you can’t use knives! everything is wrapped in tinfoil! you can only use things in this vending machine!) you still have a bunch of frazzled kids trying desperately to prove themselves to their waiting parents, but also Rachael, Man, Michelle Obama, and any of the thousands, potentially millions, of people watching.
I don’t even want to know what happens on this show. Maybe I’ll just tune in for the premiere of the winner’s Food Network show, and then the Good Morning America interview with the winner when his or her cookbook comes out, and then the episode of Chopped where the winner is a judge, and then the Kitchen Nightmares when the winner’s restaurant is failing, and then the Celebrity Rehab where the winner tries to come to peace with the fact that they will never be as famous as they were when they were nine.
Well, the weirdest thing to ever happen on television has aired its season finale so I guess we might as well talk about it.
When we last left our heroes at Rue Manor, they had just discovered that Giles, their creepy father/best friend/servant/enemy, had been kidnapped.
Now, presumably, the Killer is one of the four remaining contestants, so how the Killer managed to kidnap Giles and tie him up in a Rube Goldbergy gun chamber while also being in a limousine with other people traveling away from Rue Manor from the moment we all last saw Giles to the moment they discover he has 10,000 guns pointed at him, is just one of many slaps in the face the laws of physics will suffer throughout the episode.
Giles tells Homeland Security Kam (HomeKam Security), Dehydrated Lindsey, Terrified Melina, and Lackluster Acting Ability Cris that they must find him and rescue him, but then the TV cuts out and the room fills with white smoke and Terrified Melina disappears. As Lindsey explains what is happening, I noticed for the first time that her job is “Engineer.” UHHHHHHH THOSE ARE USUALLY SMART.
(To be fair, maybe Lindsey is VERY smart when she drinks the proper amount of water humans needs to survive, and also when she isn’t so nasally congested she sounds like if Eeyore were allergic to outside)
Anyway, the Killer then begins speaking to them through the TV, with a distorted voice, and the Killer says that she “vanished right before their eyes.” Great, so the Killer can only logically be Melina. Case closed! Let’s watch Breaking Bad.
OH WAIT I forgot science doesn’t exist. Oh okay okay, so there’s another puzzle? Cool. The Killer tells them, in one of many unacceptably shoddy rhyming phrases, that they will need a “three digit code” and then to also “slip into their mode.” WHAT? What mode? THAT IS LITERAL NONSENSE.
Anyway, a few minutes of grown adults running around a live-action Clue board later, they find Melina’s dead body in a secret room. THAT IS FUNNY CONSIDERING THEY HAVE ALL BEEN TOGETHER THE ENTIRE TIME THAT MELINA HAS BEEN GONE AND ALSO THE KILLER HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO THEM SO HOW COULD THE KILLER POSSIBLY BE ANY ONE OF THEM AND THEN ALSO WHY DID THE KILLER SAY THAT HE/SHE VANISHED BEFORE THEM IF THE PERSON THAT VANISHED BEFORE THEM WAS ACTUALLY DEAD?! I’m sorry to scream, I just feel like this problem could have been solved if one person spent ten extra minutes thinking about it one afternoon.
But I guess they just left early that day. I don’t know. Traffic from Burbank can be brutal, you want to get ahead of it.
So Melina is dead LOL. You know what that means? More puzzles! But what makes these puzzles EXTRA special? Well, these puzzles enlist the help of adults who have to pretend to be zombies.
The rest of the episode involves HomeKam Security, Lackluster Acting Ability Cris and Dehydrated Lindsey running around Rue Manor solving mini-riddles in order to collect puzzle pieces that help them to figure out Whodunnit. (Don’t worry, I’ll provide a detailed rant on why this is dumb, let’s just get through the sequence of events first, cool?)
All of the mini-riddles revolve around a previous murder. Now, I was a latecomer to this show (I still haven’t forgiven myself), so I didn’t know about a lot of the murders. But I definitely know now that my favorite murder is when a guy tried to make a steak but the Killer put poisonous gas in the oven and he died and then was posthumously mauled by a mountain lion.
HomeKam Security and Lackluster Acting Ability Cris finish their puzzles around the same time and are sent to the attic, where they find a CRAZY SECRET KILLER’S LAIR. Dehydrated Lindsey is sent to a different room, presumably because ABC has some sort of legal obligation to get her some water. BUT WAIT. LINDSEY IS SHOT THROUGH THE NECK WITH AN ARROW BY AN EMPTY SUIT OF ARMOR THAT HAS BEEN RIGGED WITH ROPES TO SHOOT HER WHEN SHE OPENS THE DOOR.
That is a hilariously gruesome image to show on primetime TV on a Sunday night.
So with HomeKam Security and Lackluster Acting Ability Cris trapped in a room together, and having just witnessed the murder of Lindsey, we know the Killer is one of them. We are about to find out that it is Cris, which means that HomeKam Security’s face upon finding out he just won $250,000 is this:
INSTEAD OF BEING HAPPY HE WON A QUARTER MILLION DOLLARS HE IS JUST ANGRY WITH CRIS FOR MURDERING PEOPLE. AS IF SHE IS AN ACTUAL MURDERER.
Lackluster Acting Ability Cris lives up to her name by impotently accusing Kam of being the Killer. HomeKam Security hilariously does not go along with it at all. “The Killer is you, it’s just, it’s definitely you.” Lackluster Acting Ability Cris tries to get out her prewritten stilted rhyme:
"I won’t be plagued by your foolish game,
The Killer could be you…. or me, just the same.”
(Seriously guys, you couldn’t have just like ordered dinner in to the office one night to work a little harder on these?)
But HomeKam Security is not having any of it and keeps stepping on her line so it actually sounds like this:
"I won’t be plagued by your foolish game - "
"What are you talking about?"
"The Killer could - "
"The Killer is you."
" - be you - "
"You’re definitely the Killer.”
" - or me, just the same."
So, Lackluster Acting Ability Cris is the Killer and HomeKam Security wins, which is ACTUALLY INSANE considering that he even admitted AFTER HE WON that he was convinced that the Killer was Dehydrated Lindsey. So he WON even though he was WRONG the ENTIRE TIME just because he finished a weird puzzle the fastest???? Also five minutes ago HomeKam Security accused Giles of being the Killer, proving that he has no idea what is going on??? Meanwhile Dehydrated Lindsey knew the entire time that the Killer was Lackluster Acting Ability Cris and she got an arrow through her throat??? This game has no honor! This never would have happened on The Mole. Could no one have gotten the Whodunnit producers a couple episodes of The Mole on DVD? Anderson Cooper couldn’t have hosted a screening?
So HomeKam Security arrests Cris and police take her away.
Like, you guys, we are adults. You don’t need to pretend-arrest a pretend-murderer. Maybe use the time you took to hire two people to play police officers to instead construct a game show that makes sense? I mean, I love Whodunnit, and I’m not complaining, because one of the best parts of Whodunnit is that it is a children’s show.
Anyway, Giles finds HomeKam Security in the attic and presents him with a suitcase full of money. Giles behaves very weirdly and the entire thing is so anti-climactic that I was absolutely convinced HomeKam Security was about to be “murdered” and Giles was going to drive away on a speedboat with the money, which would cement Whodunnit as the winner of All of the Emmys (at least in my book), but no, it was again just the poorly thought out execution that Whodunnit does so not well.
But really, on what other show would a contestant winning $250,000 look as anti-climactic as this:
There’s not even confetti.
Giles walks HomeKam Security out of Rue Manor, and HomeKam Security has to shake the hands of everyone who has been murdered. I’ve never had to stand, as an adult, covered in prosthetic murder make-up, and shake the hand of someone who is holding the $250,000 that I could have been holding if I had been better at solving pretend murders, but I’d imagine it’s not fun.
I’ll miss you more than you know, Whodunnit.
You know how whenever you’re watching television you’re like “man, this show would be way better if it involved rational adults showing genuine fear that they were going to be actually murdered even though they are - on some level - fully aware that they are never, at any point, in any sort of actual danger.” WELL GOOD NEWS YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.
Full disclosure: I have only seen two and a half episodes of Whodunnit because it came to me late in life. And although I am still struggling with my anger over not having experienced the joy of Whodunnit from the beginning, I am thankful for my brief time with it. This week’s episode was the penultimate of Whodunnit's short but absurdly silly first season, so our heroes have been whittled down (by fake murders) to a scrappy group of four: Kam, a Homeland Security Attorney who I feel like should have not been allowed on any reality show but especially one so ridiculous if that is really his job; Melina, a VERY SCARED woman who talks to herself and carries herself in such a manner that I'm not sure anyone ever told her “oh by the way you won't really be murdered, it's a TV show, so, you know, you'll like, survive, no question”; Lindsey, a slurring, loopy dog in a human suit whose brain is permanently severely sunburnt; and Cris, who can be described in a single image:
THAT’S HER JOB GUYS. HER JOB.
Before this penultimate episode, I was convinced that Cris was the killer because she one time had the opportunity to search a cabin full of snakes for a murder weapon and she immediately walked in, ignored the snakes, and walked directly to a tiny loose floorboard that she lifted up to reveal two nails with blood on them (the killer wanted to make it look like the victim was killed by a snake but they weren’t LOL) and was like “I just noticed this, weird, well, I win!” She also is a terrible actress, which is weird, because if she’s not the killer that means her performance as a human being is that of a terrible actress pretending to not be a murderer. Maybe that’s why no one will hire her. Anywhere.
This most recent episode has left me unsure, though. Lindsey, who desperately needs some water and maybe a cracker or two and a nap and a Gatorade or an Egg McMuffin, is so unapologetically bad at this game and everything it entails that it would be insane she managed to stay alive this long without being the killer, but who knows. I tend to just believe whatever was most recently said or portrayed because on principle I try not to expend much energy attempting to figure out which adult is pretending to not be a pretend murderer. Just one of my life rules.
Anyway, this episode opens like all TV shows should: with Ronnie the bounty hunter being exploded out of a hot tub.
You see, in the previous episode, Ronnie the Bounty Hunter was the least correct in his assessment of last week’s murder case, and so now he is “dead” LOL. It is up to our heroes - an ex-Beauty Queen, the man in charge of our nation’s security, a shell-shocked lady with the constitution of a rescue hamster, and a woman so dehydrated she is now a raisin - to figure out how Ronnie “died” LOL.
Giles, the butler, who is essentially Whodunnit’s Chris Harrison, except a minion from Hell instead of an angel from Heaven, rounds everyone up on the patio. With a gleefully creepy affectation (like the people who work the Tower of Terror line at Disneys Land and World) Giles explains that there are four areas to check for clues - Ronnie’s last known whereabouts, the crime scene, the morgue, and a “mystery area”. Homeland Security Kam wins the opportunity to go to the Mystery Area by winning an ice-chipping race. The other three ladies have to choose which of them gets which of the other three areas. Apparently Kam, Lindsey, and Cris have formed a team and Malina is alone because everyone on her team is “dead” LOL. Malina is very scared and tells us “It’s hard to be happy I survived when I see my friend dead in a swimming pool.” That’s almost a not ok thing to say considering this is all fake, but I love Whodunnit so much it can simply do no harm.
Malina and Lindsey both want to go to the same place, and they both refuse to budge. Kam then leans in to snarl at Malina:
"That’s the difference between us and you, we are we, you guys were all yous and that’s why you’re all dead. We are we, and we are not going to budge."
I hope that’s how he talks to potential terrorists when he interrogates them at work! Mondays! LOL!
Giles arrives to say that his close personal friend, The Killer, expected this stubborn outcome and then just randomly assigns people to places like he should have done in the first place but I’m not complaining I’m just happy to be watching this show.
THERE ARE FRENCH MAIDS HERE AND GILES WEARS TAILS AND WHITE GLOVES I WANT HIM TO OFFICIATE AT MY WEDDING ONE DAY
So Poor Lonely Soon to Be Murdered Malina goes to the “Morgue” LOL.
YES, that IS a grown man pretending to be dead covered in make-up wounds in a fake morgue.
Melina inspects Ronnie’s made-up wounds while he just lays there, pretending to be dead. It’s actually a very impressive performance.
Never even flinches. Even when another adult sticks her fingers in his alive mouth.
Lindsey inspects the Last Known Whereabouts, which is the library, and she finds a note that Ronnie wrote to Giles (“Dear Giles, I know The Killer is your BFF but maybe we could just be BFs? You seem kewl. LMK. LYLAB, Rondog”) and nothing else, because she hasn’t drank water in seventeen years and so her body doesn’t function normally. In the Mystery Area, Kam sees surveillance footage of Ronnie “falling asleep” (his words) in the hot tub with a cup of tea (amazing) and then being blown several feet into the air before landing face down in the pool. Kam and Cris both get to inspect the crime scene, but they find nothing.
Kam, Cris, and Lindsey meet up to go over their clues while Melina sadly talks to herself. She hilariously deduces that Ronnie went to the library to write a note because “Ronnie doesn’t read.” She then very quickly realizes that Ronnie was drinking tea because “Alcohol? We don’t have anything that he likes. And Ronnie had coffee at breakfast yesterday, so it was tea.” Either she’s the killer, or she’s a secret genius, or a wonderful idiot. One of those three, nothing else.
Giles calls everyone together for a Scavenger Hunt, where he lights a makeshift Liquid Nitrogen bomb that explodes several ping pong balls into the air. Malina catches one that says “Kitchen” so she runs to the kitchen, where they have to root through barrels of castor beans to find a silver vial that includes a word puzzle that leads them to another clue I LOVE THIS SHOW IT IS LIKE A NICKELODEON SHOW BUT FOR ADULTS.
Kam finds the clue - a canister of liquid nitrogen attached to the hot tub - and then reconvenes with his team to go over what they know. In an interesting cross-promotion with Breaking Bad, Kam announces that castor beans are used to make ricin, so he assumes that Ronnie was poisoned. He, Cris, and Lindsey rejoice that they know so much more information that dumb ole “all my friends are dead” Melina.
Then it’s time for our heroes to go “state their case” to the killer, which is a hilariously not well thought out segment in which the people walk around in clumsy circles talking to a camera which was inexplicably placed on the floor, and they say what they think happened and who they think the killer is. Everyone thinks it’s Lindsey, except for Lindsey, who thinks she’s on The Real World.
They sit down for dinner and Giles arrives. Malina sweetly invites him to dinner and he politely comments on what a lovely invitation that is before grimly threatening that Malina might not make it to dinner. Giles hands out envelopes revealing that Kam and Cris are “SPARED” while Malina and Lindsey are “SCARED”, meaning ripe for murder.
DRINK SOME WATER LINDSEY! IT’LL PROBABLY HELP YOU SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES AND NOT SEEM SO DRUNK
Giles reads a letter from the best man at his wedding, the Killer, explaining how Ronnie was murdered. We then get to see Ronnie reenact his own murder, which actually looks delightful:
What’s the thread count on that robe? A million?
It turns out Lindsey missed two important clues in the library, because she hasn’t had clear vision in over a decade.
The next morning, Kam and Cris are playing pool and Melina joins them. They are all weirdly happy to see that she is alive, even though yesterday they were being so mean to her and telling her to basically go die. But then Lindsey creeps in and silently stands in a corner until they notice her, at which point everyone is very embarrassed because they were just gleefully celebrating what they assumed was her murder. Lindsey starts giggling hysterically and it’s such odd behavior that I thought she was poorly reenacting her own murder and was about to reveal she had been poisoned but nope, just Lindsey bein’ Lindsey.
Giles is pleased to see that godfather of his children, The Killer, has not killed anyone, and he sends our heroes away in a limo to celebrate life. They get in a limo and see that they each have a present, but Melina is scared to open hers because she thinks it might be a gun that goes off or poison that sprays in her face. IT’S A TV SHOW MELINA RELAX.
But really their gifts are champagne, so they start boozin’ it up until all of a sudden the limo makes a SHARP UTURN and Melina assumes they are about to drive off a cliff. I think she has an actual death wish guys.
The limo deposits them back at the mansion, where they run in screaming for Giles, because he is their father now. They find a TV and turn it on to reveal:
As you can see, Giles was kidnapped and is now tied up with 10,000 guns pointed directly at his face LOL Sunday night programming LOLOLOL
Our heroes must find and rescue Giles before he is shot 10,000 times in the face LOL. BUT THEN the room suddenly fills with thick white smoke and Melina disappears. AND THEN, as if the kidnapping of the host and the murder of a contestant is not enough action for a cliffhanger, THE ZOMBIE-FIED BODIES OF EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN MURDERED LOL SO FAR COMES DOWN THE STAIRS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CALL THE EMMYS!
Well, Feral Desiree’s boring and empty march towards temporary love is finally, mercifully, over. I would say I feel like Harry Potter after he kills Voldemort, but I don’t know if that’s accurate because Harry Potter probably at least felt like he accomplished something. Me, I’m just sitting here thinking about all the time I spent watching The Bachelorette and how that time could have been much, MUCH better used watching Whodunnit. (You guys watch that show? It’s amazing. Grown adults pretend to be murdered)
It’s unclear who is the loser in this season: Desiree, Chris, Brooks, Drew, me, scripted television, America, Obama (for allowing hollow lifeless Desiree to be the Bachelorette in the first place), or the Universe. You see, Desiree was in love with Brooks the whole time, even going so far as to admit that to Chris Harrison in like, episode 3. But after Brooks learned that Desiree doesn’t know the difference between verbs and adjectives and can’t count to five, his rose-colored glasses were shattered and for the first time, he saw where he was - that weird, horrible spaceship that Keanu Reeves lives on in the Matrix.
So Brooks arrives in Antigua for Fantasy Suite Day knowing that he is not in love with Desiree. He talks to his sister and mom, and they strongly advise him to “follow his heart” while making big eyes at him that seem to say “do you really want to be Mr. Eats Cans?”
While Brooks waits and stews on his balcony, ABC grants us with gratuitous shots of Desiree putting on jean shorts over her bathing suit WHOA GUYS THIS IS A FAMILY CHANNEL while she talks about how much she loves Brooks and how she can’t wait to see him. And then, in the best “Who’s at the door” twist since Silence of the Lambs, Brooks answers his door to reveal:
Chris Harrison, shrouded in white light because he just beamed down from Heaven.
Chris and Brooks sit down for a chat, because no one can break up with Desiree unless Chris Harrison approves. You must look directly into his eyes and speak your truth, and he will determine your fate.
I wanted to transcribe this conversation word for word, because I found myself - a native English speaker - very confused by it. It was incredibly circular, filled with long pauses, and at several points Chris Harrison seemed to be asleep:
Chris Harrison: So you wanted to talk man, what’s going on?
Brooks: This last week’s been really hard, trying to figure out, um, exactly how I feel and uh the big picture of this uh, whole kind of journey with Des has been amazing, it’s been difficult, I wasn’t expecting it to be full of so many ups and downs, you know, um, and, that’s the really difficult part, we’ve had nothing but amazing dates and an easy time together and the conversation has flown really easy and I’ve really felt myself falling in love with her in those moments, too, you know, like, get lost in those moments, but later, you know, after she saw my family like, the hometown date, I kept asking myself ‘well, is this the right person, am I really ready to say (and here is where I just couldn’t take it anymore and curled into a ball sobbing and wondering if I would be able to figure out who the killer was if I was in the Whodunnit house)
Chris Harrison, when not asleep, looks very furious with Brooks:
Do you see how mad he is? Look at his eyes!! ENHANCE:
But despite his boiling rage, Chris Harrison finally rotates his head 360 degrees and grants Brooks permission to dump Desiree. So he takes her to a gazebo, the best place for dumping, and tells her he’s just like the rest of America: not into Desiree.
The break-up is very difficult to watch, it’s just TOO REAL. Whodunnit isn’t like this, it’s never TOO REAL, in fact, it’s not real at all. Grown adults have to lie down in fake morgues covered in make-up wounds while other grown adults furiously inspect them for clues IT IS THE BEST. But watching Desiree sob and weakly admit that no one has ever loved her as much as she has loved them (earmuffs Drew and Chris and Zakw and others!) is the worst. The stress of it is so terrible that Brooks’s hair tries to furiously escape:
For contrast, this is him twenty minutes before:
So Brooks leaves, and Desiree sobs for another fifteen minutes as if that’s an acceptable thing to just put on television. Just a girl who has been sobbing for the past forty minutes sobbing for another fifteen minutes over the same stuff. The last two minutes of the episode are Desiree, sobbing, walking back to her bungalow, where she just shuts the doors and sobs some more. ON WHODUNNIT THERE ARE MURDERS.
So we go into the “Finale: Part 2” (go to jail, whoever decided to call it that) knowing that Desiree is a shattered shell of a person who has zero feelings for Pleasantly Asexual Drew or Reserved Awful Writer Who Might Actually Be the Whodunnit Murderer Because He Definitely Gives Off a Not Very Threatening But Still Present (As if He is Reformed) Serial Killer Vibe Chris. The “Finale: Part 2” (I’ll support the death penalty just this once) takes place in Purgatory, where a live studio audience of people who were fine but just not baptized, waits for eternity and occasionally has to get dressed up for this nonsense. Chris Harrison stalls by asking people if they think that Brooks is going to return, which is AN ACTUALLY INSANE THING TO ASK PEOPLE WHEN YOU YOURSELF KNOW THAT BROOKS DOES NOT RETURN. Like, seriously, in all complete seriousness, what.
"Do you think Brooks will return? Do you think the sky is made of fudge? Do you think Earth is a marble that giant aliens use in a game of marbles?"
Chris Harrison then turns to a committee of esteemed former Bachelor contestants, like White Sean, Catherine, President Lesley, Drunk Lindsay, and Jackie, who must have incriminating pictures of someone at ABC because it’s insane that anyone would invite her to anything. The committee chimes in with absolutely worthless mouth garbage, as if they are drunk ESPN commentators whose brains are on strike.
Desiree shows up to see Drew and Chris at the Rose Ceremony that should have been attached to last week’s episode, but they had no room to cram it in after the 63 hour unedited stream of sobbing. She tries to tell the two poor saps that Brooks is gone, but she can’t because she’s crying too hard. She manages to give them both roses, and BOTH OF THEM ACCEPT THE ROSES EVEN THOUGH SHE IS CURRENTLY SOBBING OVER THE LOSS OF THE PERSON SHE LIKED THE BEST. That’s literally like comforting someone who is sad about having to murder you by just ramming a knife into your own stomach. JUST GET OUT OF THERE.
The next day, Desiree meets up with Drew, who is excited for their tropical date, until Desiree sits him down and tells him that he needs to go home. (Shouldn’t have rammed that knife into your own stomach, buddy!) Why Desiree still dressed for swimming when she knew she was just going to send him home, is beyond me. Between Drew’s break up and Brooks’, this is a banner year for Bathing Suit Break Ups.
Desiree and Chris then go on their date, and Desiree allows Chris to meet the family she basically ran away from when she turned 18. Chris meets Desiree’s famously terrible brother, who decides just this once to be just ok. (Looks like someone got a visit from the Pill Fairy and has been lulled into a drug-induced state of dim niceness!)
Chris gets all excited and goes to Neil Lane to pick out an engagement ring large enough to host next year’s Stanley Cup. The entire proceeding has the sad air of driving your terminally ill dog to the vet, because surely, surely Desiree cannot accept the proposal of someone she JUST YESTERDAY admitted to not being in love with.
BUT SHE DOES.
THEY ARE ENGAGED.
The EVEN CRAZIER PART is that Pathetic Chris (good luck dodging that nickname you might as well tattoo it on your eyes) gives a whole speech about how much he loves Desiree, and then as he is about to get on one knee, Desiree stops him, and Chris immediately goes “No, don’t - gahhhhhh” because he - like the rest of the entire human race across all civilizations and time - knows that if someone stops you at the exact second you start to bend your knee, it’s over. Especially if the person stopping you has been heavily sobbing for the past 82 decades over another guy. BUT NO. NO. DESIREE HAS STOPPED HIM TO TELL HIM THAT SHE LOVES HIM AS IF THAT’S NOT ONLY THE WORST TIME TO DO THAT BUT ALSO COMPLETELY FACTUALLY INACCURATE.
But at least this horrible sludge of a season is over, and we can finally be at peace. After all, we are mere months away from what will be the best show ever - Juan Pablo’s Bachelor. Yes. That’s right. The Muppet-voiced docile secret father former soccer player who kicked dirt in the eyes of a stuntman just trying to do his part in a reenactment of The Lone Ranger, is our new hero.
Until then, I have to go question every life choice I’ve ever made that has led to me using even an iota of brain space to know who Desiree is engaged to. This is me:
BUT SOON WE’LL HAVE THIS!
You’re excited about Juan Pablo, right, Jesse?
Asked by Anonymous
I’m sorry I offended you! I certainly didn’t mean to. Referring to Juan Pablo as a minority was meant to be a joke about how white-washed the entire Bachelor franchise is and how it seems like the maximum diversity allowed is white people with accents. It just always feels weird when the producers make a big deal out of black contestants (profiling Will at the beginning of the season even though he got no screen time once inside the mansion and was eliminated after, I believe, two episodes?) and then really lay it on thick when it comes to the “otherness” of Juan Pablo (playing his language barrier for laughs, playing salsa-y music when he comes onscreen.) Anyway, I’m sorry if it wasn’t clear. Thanks for chiming in, Zakw! How is your record deal coming?
I’ve really let this blog go. Three “episodes” of The Bachelorette (“episodes” is in quotes because they’re really more like trash collages) have gone by and I have not written a recap. I think it’s because the trash collages have become so boring that when I watch them I cry blood? And then when I try to write about what happened blood comes out of my ears and my fingers tense on the side of my keyboard like a cat unwilling to get a bath? I don’t know, maybe all of that stuff is unrelated. Anyway, here’s the big stuff from the last three weeks of vapid, can-eating, boring Desiree’s search for temporary love.
JUAN PABLO IS GONE
Juan Pablo! Juan Pablo was eliminated three weeks ago, and I have not yet forgiven Desiree. As you know, Juan Pablo was a delightful little scamp who communicated only through high-fives and the repetition of his own name, and also who one time kicked dirt in the eyes of a person just trying to do their part in a reenactment of the Lone Ranger. He was the closest thing to a minority that has ever made it past episode three of any
show in the Bachelor franchise, and he was the only man who was in any way distinguishable from Desiree’s other identical goons. In a sea of sludge, Juan Pablo was a beacon of soccer. And now he is gone.
MICHAELABETES MAKES ANYONE ELSE’S ROCK BOTTOM LOOK LIKE A FIVE STAR RESORT
Michaelabetes was eliminated in the episode right before Hometowns, which is ACTUALLY UNBELIEVABLE that he made it that far. But good for you, Michaelabetes. Way to prove that an asexual, childish idiot with no manners can come in 5th place. I can only imagine that anyone who was eliminated before you is doing some DEEP soul-searching right now.
When Michaelabetes was eliminated, he called his mom from the back of the Rejection Limo on his way to the big Best Western in the sky. Why he did that, I do not know. I’m honestly confused beyond reason how there exists a person in this world who doesn’t realize that CALLING YOUR MOM AFTER BEING DUMPED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION BY A WOMAN SO TERRIBLE THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS ONLY PRETENDING TO LIKE HER IS ACTUALLY THE MOST HUMILIATING THING IN THE WORLD. But Michaelabetes does it and OHHHHH BOY is it awful.
Momabetes has little sympathy for her son, simply saying “I don’t understand why this keeps happening.” What keeps happening? Televised rejection? What was this guy on an episode of Baggage or something? Either way their conversation is so weird that I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me Michaelabetes was raised by Leatherface’s family.
ZAKW FINALLY LEAVES
(That picture references a five-year-old Miley Cyrus song, like all good comedy should and does.)
Zakw was only JUST eliminated, after Hometowns, which is basically Phil Collins because talk about AGAINST ALL ODDS. (Slamdunk) I mean, look. Zakw seemed like a nice guy, he’s goofy and weird and I bet he’ll make a great dad. In fact I bet he already is a great dad, because he is 48 years old.
Despite my belief that Zakw lived in an abandoned ghost town and his family would be just a bunch of prop skeletons dressed up around a dinner table that he voiced himself, Zakw introduces Desiree to his human family. They seem very nice, and after dinner Zakw, his brother, and his sister treat Desiree to a private concert of a truly terrible original song. The three Ws, of the Zak W’s, sing so passionately it is immediately apparent that this entire trip to The Bachelorette was all an attempt to get a record deal. But WHOOPS WHOOPS WHOOPS they are awful.
It’s pretty tragic to watch Zak W on his date with Desiree (in which he dresses up in a penguin costume and sells ice cream to children) because it’s rare to get this much dramatic irony in a reality show. Everyone in the world, even blind orphans who live inside the crust of the Earth, knew that Zak W would not win. There was just no way. And yet, he believed it. But he at least managed to leave in a more dignified way than Michaelabetes, so he can more or less call this a win.
DESIREE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT ADJECTIVES ARE
Brooks asked Desiree to think of five adjectives that fall between like and love. I’ll give you a second to collect the brain matter that just exploded out of your head because of how stupid that sentence was. Everything back in? Okay great.
Desiree excitedly announced that she had her five adjectives, and they were:
"Stepping, skipping, running, and the finish line."
Yes, I’ll pause why you mop up your brain matter. In fact, why don’t you go ahead and put down a tarp.
BECAUSE NOT ONLY ARE THOSE NOT ADJECTIVES, THEY AREN’T EVEN CONSISTENTLY VERBS, AND ALSO THAT’S ONLY FOUR THINGS.
I feel like a monkey that just watched Inception. Like I was a smart monkey that could communicate with sign language but then the zookeepers got too ambitious and asked me to write a paper about what happens in Inception. BECAUSE NO I AM NOT READY TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS CRAZY GARBAGE.
Anyway, Brooks stares at Desiree for a minute after she tells him her five adjectives which are actually three verbs and a noun with a look of utter hopelessness, like he was at a complete loss for how he was supposed to respond or continue to pretend to like her. But some producers must have intervened and shoved ten Vicodin down his throat because three minutes later a barely-lucid Brooks is mumbling that he could see himself “running to the finish line with Des.” YEP. CHECKS OUT.
CHRIS’S DAD IS A MURDERER
Just when we thought the closest we’d get to a murderer this whole season would be Brooks’s latent multiple personality disorder (the crazy murderous one only emerges on days that Brooks cuts his hair, I guess), we meet Chris’s dad. Chris’s dad is a chiropractor, and he treats Desiree to some good old fashioned realignment YEAAAHHHHH SON! HIGHFIVE HIGHFIVE HIGHFIVE!
Chris’s dad’s office is weirdly in the basement of his house, which is good, because you don’t want to commute to your murder den. After manhandling Desiree, Chris sits down with his dad for a heart-to-heart. They talk about Desiree and how she fits into the family while Chris’s dad uses a needle to jam a balloon up Chris’s nose and then violently crank it in a full rotation before doing the same thing to the other nostril FAMILY FUN.
PROBABLY A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF BUT LET’S ALL JUST TAKE A BREAK AND GO OUTSIDE OR SOMETHING
I don’t feel bad for giving up on this season because ABC has as well, so what can I do? The pacing of the second-half of this torturous nightmare sludge has been so bizarre that it feels like ABC cut the episode order halfway through filming. Like they saw two minutes of footage and were like “yeeeeeesh, are her eyes ALWAYS so black and lifeless like a dead shark?”
There are only two episodes left, one of which is the Men Tell All. So either the Fantasy Suite doesn’t exist anymore, or no one wanted to go there with Desiree. Either way, the preview for the finale shows lots of tears and Chris Harrison apologizing to a sobbing Desiree, which can only mean that something crazy happens, or that she cut her lip eating a can for dinner.
With the guys narrowed down to Brooks, Chris, and Drew, we know that the finale will include lots of gerunds, awful poetry, and gratuitous bone structure. MUST SEE TV!
This is just too much. What is even happening on The Bachelorette this season? Who is this for? Is everyone on the show Andy Kaufman? That makes the most sense. That ABC just airs a 90 MINUTE Andy Kaufman character showcase every Monday night in between episodes of CELEBRITY WALKING and PEOPLE FALL DOWN.
Desiree has the personality and diction of a person whose brain is slowly leaking out of her ears. What is she even doing here? She’s so concerned that everyone around her is there for the right reasons but methinks Desiree is only there to eat carrots and hummus from Craft Services. Nothing she does makes any sense, and I can’t wait until she crawls back into the discarded bean can she escaped from.
Our heroes are in Germany this week, which is great. I love when they travel to other places and represent our country, it makes me feel very safe and proud. It’s also nice to see that our heroes have continued their trend of dressing in similarly hued identical outfits, as if they are all members of the National Wild & Crazy Kids Frisbee Team.
Chris gets a one-on-one date and he has what appears to be a truly insufferable time with the horrible Desiree. Back at the house, Bryden has decided it is time for him to go home because he managed to unplug himself from the Matrix and see Desiree for what she really is: the Worst.
Bryden leaves to go find the Worst and tell it to its sneering face that he is going home, but not before dressing himself like a serial killer. He then tries to track down the Worst by approaching a series of German strangers and demanding to know if they had seen any television cameras, which is a hilarious question to ask someone when you are being followed by your own television cameras.
Bryden eventually tracks down the Worst, who has forced Chris to shamefully dance in a crowded plaza. (Chris has REALLY gotten short shrift this season, he has had to dance like eight times and each time is more embarrassing than the last. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week the Worst made him do the worm on a bed of hot nails as audience warm-up for The Voice.)
Anyway, Bryden tells the Worst that he is leaving and the Worst reacts as you’d expect it to - cold as ice. She gets up and walks away, then cries to a camera saying she just wants to get back to Chris so she can feel happy again. So the worst AND emotionally healthy! Quite a catch!
The guys find out who will be going on the group date, which is everyone but Michaelabetes and Ben, which means they are going on the two-on-one! Two men enter, only one man comes out (to continue pretending to love a boring black hole.)
Michaelabetes is upset because he hates Ben, but he is up for the challenge of showing the Worst Ben’s true colors:
"There’s more than enough evidence at this point to convict Ben of being a fraud. And I will gladly accept that challenge. So in this Gladiator-style setting, I need to go and murder Ben."
MURDER BEN. Amazing. This is the same guy that felt he needed to explain what he meant by saying a game was “for all the marbles”, lest we get confused and think the guys were playing for a prize of a jar of marbles. Keep on being you Michaelabetes.
At the group date, the guys and the Worst sled down a mountain and yodel and throw snowballs and oh who cares. They then go to an igloo and the Worst weirdly makes out with Brooks in the middle of him speaking, and he seems to be uncomfortable, as if he’s not sure if he was just sexually harassed.
Other dumb stuff happens, who cares.
At the two-on-one date, the Worst takes Michaelabetes and Ben into a HOT TUG, which is a HOT TUB BOAT. Now, look, I want one of those. We all do. Of course we do. BUT COME ON. You can’t go to other countries and drive a hot tub around a lake, it’s embarrassing. Keep that shit to the continental 48, you guys. LOOK AT HOW EMBARRASSING THIS IS
It looks like the Mayor of Whoville designed a spaceship that Horton then sat on. IT IS RIDICULOUS. WHERE ARE YOU GONNA TOOT THAT TO, THE WORST? OOMPA LOOMPA ISLAND? FIND SOME CHEAP LABOR FOR YOUR DRESS STORE? THAT IS SUCH A RIDICULOUS VESSLE BUT ALSO PLEASE SOMEBODY BUY ME SEVERAL OF THEM.
Throughout the date, Michaelabetes attempts to prosecute Ben for “fraud and impersonating a Southern gentleman.” HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT. HE ACTUALLY THINKS HE IS DOING REAL LAWYER WORK. MICHAELABETES YOU ARE NOT MENTALLY WELL.
Michaelabetes snips at Ben like a sullen 12-year-old girl who just got told she can’t go to Hurricane Harbor with her best friends. It is weird and meandering and eventually culminates in a debate over why Ben didn’t go to church on Easter. It’s very uncomfortable, and the Worst just awkwardly sits there and watches it happen, instead of oh I don’t know asking Michaelabetes to stop. Finally Ben leaves the table, and the Worst passive aggressively comments on Michaelabetes’s determination to make Ben kill himself. She then goes to talk to Ben, who politely tells her he’s trying to keep his temper controlled but he can’t take much more needling from a talking penis. So while neither of these guys is a winner, the Worst is faced with a choice of:
A) Keeping the kind of creepy but at least surface-level polite guy who has been almost-normal the whole time and has a son so you know he has managed to convince one woman to sleep with him
B) Keeping the immature, snippy jerk who is so incapable of turning off his lawyer-speak that he’s currently embroiled in a lengthy criminal trial to convict a waitress of improper sandwich delivery, and his entire case consists of him rolling his eyes and scoffing “Your Honor, the accused is just like, not a nice person, like at all.”
C) Sending both home, because they are both INSANE CREEPS.
But what does our beloved Worst do? SHE KEEPS MICHAELABETES. ARE YOU ACTUALLY KIDDING ME?! I AM GOING TO CLIMB INTO THE HOT TUG AND LAUNCH MYSELF INTO SPACE.
Anyway, back at the house, #Kasey and Normal Drew have found a new enemy in James, the thigh-necked ape that looks like Superman on Spraaang Breaaaaak. They hope to get a chance to tell the Worst about Evil James at the cocktail party, but the Worst tells Chris Harrison to cancel the cocktail party.
"Are you 100% sure you want to cancel the cocktail party? Even though I have been up all night arranging crudite platters and placing them in the perfect layout to maximize party flow?"
"Yes," the Worst responds, with her dead black shark eyes.
Chris Harrison tried to squeeze some tears from the Worst, because at some point they’re going to have to make something on this show remotely interesting, but the Worst just recites her memorized platitudes before curling up in an old boot to journal.
At the rose ceremony, the Worst eliminates Mikey, who is James’s son. (They look exactly alike except Mikey is squatter and less handsome, they are both from Chicago, they are both apes.) I will very much miss Mikey, because he was hilarious. RIP Mikey.
This week’s episode recap title is brought to you by Drew, who described The Bachelorette’s Mr. America as a “hodgepodge of tomfoolery” because he is an English orphan character in a badly written middle school assembly skit.
This episode starts off in a very disturbing place, with Chris Harrison walking into the mansion wearing what I assume is one of the shirts he designed and if this shirt isn’t a cry for help or an early warning sign of a severe mental illness, then I don’t know what it is. Thank God Chris Harrison kept his eyes closed the whole time he was speaking so that he never actually saw his terrible shirt.
HOW DID THAT SHIRT GET MADE?! “Mr. Harrison! We got two amazingly ugly new patterns in today, would you like to have a look?” “No, just mash them together in a hodgepodge of tomfoolery, please!”
Chris Harrison tells the guys that they need to pack their bags because they are going… TO ATLANTIC CITY! WOO WOO WOO! The guys go INSANE and start running in circles all over the house and barking, going so crazy that Chris Harrison can’t even get their leashes on. It takes great effort to corral the guys into a car, and once Chris finally closes the door with them in the backseat, he goes to get in the driver’s seat and sees that Mikey is sitting there licking the steering wheel and James has scratched up the back of the passenger seat. *sigh* Mondays.
The guys arrive in Atlantic City and Desiree takes Brad out on a one-on-one date where they walk around the boardwalk, eat candy, and ride carnival rides. They go into a salt water taffy store but then Desiree smells chocolate and goes into a feeding frenzy so she knocks down several doors and tunnels into the basement so that she and Brad can eat chocolate covered pretzels straight off the conveyor belt. If anyone contracted oral herpes after eating candy from Atlantic City, you now know why.
Desiree says she’s having fun with Brad because he seems relaxed, and he’s in his own element.
But at dinner, their conversation is painfully slow and boring and Brad seems to have such a tenuous grasp of the English language that if he were in 3rd grade you’d be concerned enough to start doing some research. Desiree and Brad climb to the top of a lighthouse and she dumps him. At the top of a lighthouse. They easily could have just not climbed up to the top of the lighthouse and Desiree easily could have just broken up with him at dinner but Desiree is a monster.
The group date is The Bachelorette’s Mr. America Contest, which is just great. The guys have to figure out a talent based on a table of embarrassing props. Contestant Chris goes immediately for the high heels and is very excited about them but tries to act like he got saddled with them when it’s like dude, you went straight for them and you’re wearing them right now even though the competition is not for hours. Zakw similarly picks up a guitar and bashfully claims “I’m not a musician, I’m not a singer, I don’t play the guitar, but I did write a song about this experience.” SURE OK SURE SURE SURE.
So our judges for the pageant are Miss America 2013, Desiree, AND
THE MAYOR OF ATLANTIC CITY.
"I’m sorry, the Mayor is out of the office at the moment, silently attending a meaningless event."
In the interview portion, everyone gives dumb answers to dumb questions. Mikey claims that he is not a piece of meat, but then his talent is stripping and flexing his oiled muscles.
Kasey’s (#SkateboardRonaldReagan) talent is tap dancing, and he tells a story before he starts in which he states that when he was little he “cut out pieces of metal and stapled them to [his] shoes.” That’s definitely something that can happen SURE OK SURE SURE SURE.
Zakw comes out to just I don’t know, see what happens with this guitar he doesn’t know how to play and this singing voice he has never used before, and LO AND BEHOLD he actually has a nice voice and can play the guitar. HOW SERENDIPITOUS.
#Kasey wins and is crowned “the first ever The Bachelorette’s Mr. America!” which, hilariously, does not even guarantee him the rose. Between #Kasey winning this meaningless thing this week and Juan Pablo winning a meaningless sheriff’s badge last week and the engagement ring awaiting Desiree at the end, this season sure is rife with meaningless tokens!
Back at the hotel room, James is the only guy that did not go on the group date so he has a luxurious evening to himself a la Home Alone 2. He takes a nice bubblebath, exfoliates, and tucks himself into bed with a bottle of champagne to just be.
After the pageant, the guys and Des go to a pool party because if they don’t attend a pool party every 24 hours THEY WILL DIE.
Everyone still hates Ben, which is weird because Desiree clearly hates him? And he is obviously a producer plant? Behold:
She is LEANING AWAY from him and her face looks like she’s staring at a mountain of shit. SHE HATES HIM.
Zakw pulls Des aside to play the rest of this song he just happened to figure out chords for in a matter of hours despite never having heard music before so weird so talented. My actual worst nightmare is someone sitting me down on a couch and playing a song for me on the guitar while staring at me, so I was too busy begging myself to wake up to notice that Desiree actually liked it so I was very surprised when she gave Zakw the rose. Good job, Zakw!
The next day, James and Desiree go on a really fun date. They get in a super fun helicopter with a real partystarter from the Red Cross and take an EXTREME tour of all the fun damage from Hurricane Sandy. Just fun! It is weird that this date, in which we see the extensive damage of Hurricane Sandy, takes place after Desiree and Brad skipped around an in-tact Boardwalk and ate candy and laughed on a carousel, but what is The Bachelorette if not a series of weird things that have nothing to do with anything.
James and Des meet an old couple who are Hurricane Sandy survivors and tour their destroyed house. The couple is very sweet and the damage to their house is very sad, but James looks a little too… angry?
James and Des decide to give their date to the old couple, so the delightful old couple goes to a sweet dinner and they are the best. Then, both couples reunite at a concert given by none other than
James gets the rose, duh. I’m pretty sure the only thing he could have done to make him not get the rose is murder the old couple.
At the cocktail party, Bryden is having second thoughts. He tells Desiree about his second thoughts and she is only mildly reassuring because she is not nice and might even possibly be a robot.
Michaelabetes pulls Desiree aside to tell her all the reasons that he likes her, and he writes “D” on a piece of paper and says she’s down to earth, and then writes “e” on a second piece of paper, and then “s” on a third, and then “G” on a fourth because he ran out of steam and thinks that the G of Michael G is more indicative of him than an M for Michael or a T for Type 1 Diabetes, and it’s so lame and silly but Desiree loves it. WHAT?!
At the rose ceremony, Zackay is sent home because the most memorable thing he’s done so far is look like two eight year olds stacked on top of each other. The rest of this recap is a compilation of all the shots ABC showed of Zackay leaving the building:
Man, sucks to be eliminated at the rose ceremony held inside of an MC Esher painting.