Is this an ok title for this blog?

WHOOPS I’VE BEEN  ASLEEP SINCE MONDAY BECAUSE THAT EPISODE WAS SO BORING. But now I’m awake, and I see that the world has changed - it is darker, colder, unfeeling. All good things have crumbled and bad things have triumphed. Evil has won. Courtney got a rose, and KCB, the candy princess, has shed her sugar coating and unleashed the sour within. She is literally a Sour Patch Kid. 

Before being dumped by Ben, the only time KCB had ever cried was when she heard a tape of Abbot and Castello doing “Who’s on First” and she laughed so hard that tears came out. Cut to one year later and she is all dressed up with nowhere to go, weeping, screaming “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHAT THE FUCK. HAPPENED?!” as the Limo of Tears hurtled towards the airport to take her back to Tennessee, to a family she will never forgive for chasing away her boyfriend. I honestly believe we just witnessed the birth of a supervillian, and none of us will ever be safe again.

Anyway, to the beginning of the episode!!!!!!!

Ben first travels to Horseville, North Horse to visit Horse and her horses. Horse rides up on her boyfriend, the horse, and is very excited to see Ben, her OTHER boyfriend. Looks like TWO horses can play Ben’s game!

Horse-Boyfriend was understandably jealous.

        

Horse takes Ben to a picnic, where they are - no joke - surrounded by horses. How many horses does one horse horse?!??! During the picnic, Horse talks about how she is ready for love or something, I don’t know, I don’t speak Horse (which apparently sounds a lot like English, but just lower and spoken with vocal chords so deeply fried that KFC offers them as a side dish) but anyway, Horse tells Ben that the last guy she introduced to her parents left her in Dumpesville, and apparently it was like Pearl Harbor for her entire family.

Ben asks if her family liked her old boyfriend and she’s like “umm, well there were some red flags. Like for example when he met them he said ‘Welcome to PARENTSVILLE, population US.’” Horse also revealed that she LIVED WITH DUMPESVILLE FOR A YEAR WHICH IS LITERALLY SO INSANE I’M YELLING ABOUT IT. If anyone I lived with for a year  texted me “Welcome to Dumpesville, population: YOU” I would call the police and tell them there’s a monster on the loose. But Ben is just like “you’re really vulnerable right now!”

“Vulnerable is a really big word for me,” creaks Horse. UGGGGGGGGGGH HORSE. You are making this too easy. Listen, I’m sure all the other horses consider Horse a real live wire. But among humans she is what you fast forward through to get to the COMMERCIALS. That’s how boring she is. I’d rather watch the commercials. But to be fair, the commercials were kind of funny. This happened! 

        

                                 I’m scared! But at least I’m not asleep.

Horse is basically like the lamest centaur of all time. She’s half human, half horse, but in that her body is a human and her brain is a horse. Like not even a horse’s brain. Her brain is just a tiny horse. Don’t believe me? WELL YOU WILL. Because when Ben and Horse get in the carriage to go back to Horsehouse, Horse creaks:

“Over the woods and through the - no, through the woods and over the……….. water? Ha, I don’t know how that goes.” 

OH. MY. DAD. Shut it down. 

Ugh. Let’s just talk about the people Horse hired to pretend to be her parents so she wouldn’t have to own up to the fact that her actual parents are right here:

       

Seriously, that is the only explanation for why Horse didn’t know that her “parents” got married in San Francisco City Hall, or even ever lived in San Francisco in the first place.

Anyway, Horse’s “parents”, Margy the Wood Nymph and Fred Willard’s younger brother, Chad Willard, seem really lovely. They also love animals. At no point are they on screen without at least TWO animals somewhere else on screen.

      

Margy the Wood Nymph and Fred Willard’s younger brother, Chad Willard, challenge Ben and Horse to a chariot race. #whitepeopleproblems

Fred Willard’s younger brother Chad Willard tells Ben that their team is penalized if Ben doesn’t trash talk. Ben’s like “ok” and then is like “You chariot race slower than the dozen corpses in my basement, bitch!” and Fred Willard’s younger brother Chad Willard was like “gee, I’m certainly glad I’m not actually this Horse’s father and this guy won’t actually be my son in law!”

Ben and Horse lose the race, but at least Ben found a dog along the way.

       

The rest is really boring. Margy the Wood Nymph and Fred Willard’s younger brother Chad Willard seem to like Ben. Ben says that he is looking for a surrogate father so he has to get along with his concubine’s dad, which, okay, Ben, maybe it’s time to see a therapist?

Ben leaves, and as he does, says “Thank you for letting me… INTO your home.” Since Ben is a hellbeast spawn of Satan that can only enter a house if specifically invited in, it is a big deal when he is allowed into people’s living rooms. And it means a lot. And you’re his dad now, Chad Willard, whether you like it or not.

TO TENNESSEE!

Ben meets KCB at a high school football field, where she baton-twirls a marching band up to meet him when he arrives. Remember when she said that baton-twirling was the most embarrassing thing about her? And I disagreed? Well, I was wrong.

         

KCB preps Ben to meet her dad, the President of Christianity? Or the Head of the American Prison System? Or something like that? Either way I’m pretty sure KCB’s dad will eventually play a part in Ben going to prison. I also honestly wouldn’t be surprised if KCB’s dad was a member of both the FCC and the MPAA. I bet he thought The Artist was too flashy.

ANYWAY, KCB tells Ben that her dad doesn’t drink and Ben says “well that’s great, I’m a winemaker, my business is booze.” HOLD YOUR HORSE, BEN. You’re not a bootlegger in the 20s. You’re a middle shelf winemaker. When people are winemakers, the worst impact they have on society is moms getting too giggly at dinner. Don’t try to make yourself out to be cooler and more dangerous than you are based on your connection to “the booze business”, if you want to be cool and dangerous just show everyone your human skin leather jacket.

Ben comes to meet the Bs, of the KCBs, and it’s immediately not going well. KCB’s dad hates Ben right off the bat because duh. Ben and DADB have a conversation in which DADB tells Ben that he has to break it off with KCB right away if she isn’t the winner, because he doesn’t want her to get anymore hurt than she already would be. Ben is just like “I really like your daughter, but I also have feelings for these other women.” Ummm, Ben? Do you know you’re not talking to Chris Harrison right now? Don’t bring up your other girlfriends to one of your girlfriend’s dads, especially when he is making this face: 

        

Later, Ben talks to MOMB and MOMB admits that she watches The Bachelor. First of all, hahahahaha. Second of all, that is a can and a half of worms she is opening up. Talk about breaking the fourth wall.

MOMB says that she has noticed from watching The Bachelor that usually the winner moves in with her new fiancee for four months until their engagement ends in a fiery ball of tabloid covers and Bachelor Pad promos, and MOMB has a “serious problem with that.” 

So, one could stand to reason from that statement that MOMB is okay with the polygamy, but NOT okay with sharing a bathroom. 

“That Bachelor show is so wholesome until it all ends and they live together just the two of them instead of all 18 of them living together in a jacuzzi.”

Then KCB tells DADB that she wants to marry Ben, and DADB is like “how about we don’t?” and KCB makes this face:

       

And I make this face:

             

And the pigs make this face:

       

Next we go to Texas!!!!!

Nikki and Ben dress up like Texan stereotypes and then go home to meet Nikki’s parents, who I’m pretty sure are also KCB’s parents? Except maybe a little bit sweeter?

      

                

       

        

The big thing about Nikki, we all remember, is that she is Shamefully Divorced, excuse me while I barf. The good thing about Nikki is that despite her life being over and no one ever wanting her again because she’s so disgustingly Shamefully Divorced, she’s still trying to find love. But can she??? Even though she’s already been divorced??????

I don’t really remember much about Nikki’s hometown, other than when her dad apologized to her for letting her down by giving her hand in marriage to someone who would later divorce her. Sweet, but also, wow. Nikki has less than no agency. She’s like Bella Swan, but without all the thoughts.

Anyway, Texas was kind of boring and I’m asleep.

             

                               Hahahahahah ok, ok, I’m awake.

Time for Courtney!

We meet Courtney’s parents:

      

        

And boy do they seem like fun! 

We see where Courtney gets her crazy by looking into her mother’s eyes (but don’t look too long or she will notice you staring and climb out of the TV to make snide remarks about your ugly shoes, but her barbs will be so artfully disguised as compliments that you won’t realize how broken your soul is until after she leaves, so you don’t even have the opportunity to retort. She’s that good.) and we also see where Courtney gets her dumb, by listening to her father give “advice”:

“Marriage is life’s biggest gamble. And you have a 50% chance of winning.”

       

We also meet Courtney’s sister, about whom my feelings have already been made clear.

      

I’m sorry!

From lunch, Courtney brings Ben to the park where she had her first photo shoot and says that she always wanted to get married here. So hey, why don’t they?

Courtney leads Ben over to a wedding set-up, complete with chairs and an altar. She then hands Ben a piece of paper and a pen and tells him that they have to write their own vows. Careful, Courtney! We all know what Ben does when given paper and pens!

          Courtney and Ben exchange vows in front of a Justice of the Peace, who probably was VERY confused as to what he was supposed to actually be doing. 

“So you want me to make this real and legally binding wedding look fake? Umm, ok, I guess.” - Justice of the Peace

I’m pretty sure if you rearrange the letters of Ben’s vows it spells out “Congratulations on winning The Bachelor, Courtney.” 

Courtney’s vows are all a preamble to her telling Ben she’s in love with him, which is also what the whole wedding thing was a set-up for, and jeez, whatever happened to just telling him in a jacuzzi? 

Ben flies back to meet with Chris Harrison and they recap the last two hours of the show I’m asleep. Wake me up for the rose ceremony.

    

                                     Ah, thank you, Pig.

Courtney gets the first rose, which I’m not too surprised about. It’s only polite to give your lawfully wedded wife the first rose. Horse gets the second, which, UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. That is my reaction to having to see more of Horse. It’s not good for you to get TOO much sleep. And then Nikki, of course, gets the third. 

I’m only just now realizing that I’ve been spelling Nikki’s name wrong this whole time, and it’s actually spelled Nicki. Sorry, Nicki!

Next weekend a mystery guest comes all the way to Switzerland to talk to Ben!!!!!!!!!!!!! They should really get phones in Switzerland. It would solve a lot of problems. Like in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, if they had phones, Lisbeth could have called Daniel Craig and been like “don’t go into Stellan Skarsgard’s house!” and Daniel Craig would have gone “Cool.” and then maybe things would have been better? I guess things turned out fine, but there were some pretty horrible speedbumps that could have been alleviated by cell phones. Oh, spoiler alert, by the way. 

If the mystery returning ‘cherette is Jamie, I might actually feel so sorry for her that my organs turn into dust. PLEASE DON’T LET IT BE JAMIE. I REALLY LIKE HAVING ORGANS.

$20 says it’s KCB saying that she murdered her parents and ran away from home. Takers? Any takers?

Oh, and I almost forgot! Ben, did you do something different with your hair this episode?

     

                                Ohhhhhh, right. Well it looks godawful. Bye!