daily savagery

Ok, so you read my post summing up the entire Twilight franchise in anticipation of the final movie opening this past weekend, right? Well, now allow me to sum it all up for those of you who couldn’t make it to theater but don’t want to seem TOTALLY SQUARE in front of all your teen girlfriends.

In The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2, Bella is FINALLY a vampire! She has a rocky transition into vampirism for all of two minutes, where she ALMOST bites a human but doesn’t and instead murders a mountain lion. Am I a horrible person for thinking that the world definitely is low on mountain lions and NOT low on human dumb-dumbs who free-climb mountains? And maybe it’s a little bit worse that she ate the mountain lion? I mean, that’s JUST a theory.

Anyway, Bella and Edward’s daughter, Renesmee (or “Reehhhhsma?” as Bella’s idiot dad, Mustache calls her) is the prettiest CGI baby in the whole computer. And she’s growing super fast!!! Everyone is worried she will just live the entire course of a human life in a year or something, and that she will be dead soon. At least I think that’s what they think? I’m not sure.

You’ll remember that Jacob, an adult, fell in love with a seconds-old newborn baby in the previous film, and you’ll be happy to learn that their relationship is still going strong, in a completely one-sided, inappropriate, creepy, criminal way.

Some amount of time passes and Reehhsmar? is now a beautiful little CGI toddler. (I guess every actual toddler has died? So sorry, toddlers, RIP.) Bella takes her Daughteratron 3000 out to pick snowflakes?, and Jacob comes along in wolf form, because if there’s anything less creepy than an adult being in love with a toddler, it’s a giant wolf being in love with a toddler. 

(Quick sidenote - I have seen all of these movies and I have no idea how big the wolves are. Sometimes they are wolf-size, and sometimes they are small-horse size, and then other times they are over six feet tall.) 

Anyway, the daughter from Taken, who I guess is in Washington for the summer perhaps hiding from those who wish to TAKE!!!! her, sees Raaarshbe?, the beautiful CGI-toddler and gets AFLUFF. Bella sees her and is like “hey what’s wrong? Is someone taking you?” and the daughter from Taken is like “AAAAAAAH!” and runs away.

The daughter from Taken goes to the evil Volturi and tells them that Bella and Edward turned a human child into a vampire, WHICH IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED! She’s such a confused over-reactor! The Volturi are like “THIS IS TERRIBLE, WHAT A HORRIBLE CRIME, THEY MUST ALL BE KILLED!” and then sit silently for five months.

Meanwhile, the Cullens realize the Volturi are coming for them and decide the best course of action is to tell every vampire the truth about Rarrrsparrr and hope that word will get back to the Volturi. This was a similar marketing plan to the one Jean-Ralphio and Tom used for Entertainment 720 on the fictional comedy program Parks and Recreation. So a bunch of fun new vampires move in, and it’s like Buncha Vampires & A Little Lady.

So finally, the Volturi come and the Cullens with all of their new vampire pals meet them on an ice patch. They have a 45 minute meeting which the director interestingly shows us in real time. 

The Volturi see that Marina Del Reynspawn is not an “immortal child”, but actually a half-vampire. Michael Sheen, playing the role he was born to play as the head of the Volturi, decides that he will kill everyone anyway. 

BUT THEN!!!!!!!! 

Alice, one of the Cullen vampires, shows up with her boyfriend, who - just to point out - looks like a total douche, tries to tell Michael Sheen that they don’t need to kill everybody, but then Michael Sheen just starts killing everybody.

What follows is the most amazing fight scene I’ve ever seen on film. Just a bunch of vampires ripping each others’ heads off, Dakota Fanning staring wolves to death, a frame-by-frame recreation of Mufasa falling to his death in the wildebeast stampede but it’s a wolf falling into lava. Just the best, best, best.

Also, every vampire also has a special and unique super power in addition to the strength, beauty, and intelligence that already comes with being a vampire (should we all just become vampires, you guys? There is literally no downside.) Bella learns that she is a “Shield”, which means no other vampire powers work on her. She eventually learns how to project her Shield onto others, which means in the big fight scene, there are multiple periods of time where Dakota Fanning - who can inflict immense pain just by staring at someone - and Kristen Stewart - who can protect people by staring at them - just stare at the same person and it is very exciting. Until Dakota Fanning gets eaten by wolves and Michael Sheen goes crazy so Kristen Stewart rips off his head.

BUT THEN!!!!

It turns out all of that was just a little vision that Alice showed to Michael Sheen privately. It never happened!!! YOU STUPID IDIOTS!!! You thought that really happened, didn’t you? Gosh, you’re a stupid idiot.

Michael Sheen is all “he he, a-whoops! Let’s go fellas!” 

and then a Brazilian guy shows up wearing a Tiger Lily costume and explains that he is a half-vampire, so everything’s totally cool because half-vampires rock. He mysteriously grew to be a beautiful teenager and then stopped aging but is 150 years old. What an interesting totally insane and stupid thing someone got paid a lot of money to fart out of their dehydrated brain! 

The Volturi are like “hey, sweet! Bye!” and leave.

Bella and Edward canoodle in a field.

End of Franchise.